NASA: Orphan’s Wishes Upon Star Light-Years Too Late

PASADENA, CALIFORNIA: The National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed today that the star little Timmy Johannsen has been wishing upon nearly every night for the past 3 years, actually collapsed and burned out approximately 48 million years ago, thus rendering little Timmy’s wishes null and void.

It was a heartbreaking case of too little and many light-years too late for young Johannsen, a small-statured 9 year old, who has spent the majority of his short life bouncing around the California foster-care system. After NASA’s careful observation of the wishing-star Timmy had so longingly peered up at during his darkest nights, scientists were able to debunk its existence as a mere illusion.

“Turns out young Timmy has actually been wishing upon the remnant luminosity of a spectral type-D star, a white dwarf which, by our calculations, imploded and then died out roughly 47-50 million years ago and its photons are only now reaching earth,” said NASA astrophysicist Dr. Raymond Wexler of the Carnegie Observatory. “We want Timmy to know however, that even though he has been wishing upon something that wasn’t technically there, the fact he could even make out the light night after night means his eyesight is superb.”

However, the compliment from NASA didn’t lift Timmy’s spirits. Timmy had specifically been wishing upon what he believed was a small/weak star because he could relate to the star’s struggle to keep on twinkling even if it was only faintly seen by people from where it sat in the night sky, among the bigger, brighter stars.

“It just kept on twinkling even though it was small,” Timmy said sniffling and wiping away tears. “But I guess it makes sense now that none of the wishes ever came true.” Timmy then looked at the floor before closing the door to his room and missing dinner because he just wasn’t hungry tonight. Timmy’s social-worker, Donna Rodriguez, is actually considering taking legal action against NASA for delivering the devastating news, which she says has caused Timmy’s grades to suffer and made him retreat even further into the mental shell he has constructed to keep the cruel world at bay.

“I just wish the space program had better things to do then stamp out the hopes of an at-risk little boy,” said Timmy’s 4th foster mother, who has been taking care of the shy, doe-eyed orphan for just a few months but isn’t sure he’s a good fit for her home. “Sometimes it seems more appropriate to leave cold hard science out of the personal mythologies we all use to navigate this brutal world.”

NASA has defended its actions and claims that they currently lack the funding to take on larger scale, more exploratory, less small-boy-hope-killing projects. Yet, ironically, they also blame the dwindling space program on an American culture that “no longer looks to the stars and dreams.”

Author: A. Russell

A. Russell is just his Pen Name, which just adds unnecessary confusion because no one knows who he is anyway. @andybalchunas on Twitter

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