It was thought to be a bittersweet moment as the last ever space shuttle mission landed flawlessly in the early hours of dawn that day. What began in the bold optimism of JFK’s challenge to walk on the moon had ended a half century later in a very different world with vastly different challenges.
It was thought mere hearty thanks would suffice to the thousands of NASA workers soon to join the ranks of ten million unemployed Americans. Good job, brave patriots! Now get a job you slackers. Wendy’s is hiring.
That Norman Rockwell vision of NASA workers changed today, with announcement they have a weather machine. Also an earthquake machine, a tsunami machine, a volcano machine, and a different machine so horrible you don’t even want to know what it does.
Speaking for the group, NASA metallurgist Al Gunderson said, “Don’t get us wrong. We love this country. It’s a beautiful country, would be a damned shame if something happened to it. Like Chicago, the ‘Windy City’ for example? It’s a nice place, but we can show you windy. All we want is our salaries for life and our benefit package. Nobody has to get hurt here.”
Owing to the gravity of the situation (they have a gravity machine too), an elite team drawn from all three governmental branches has been negotiating with the rogue NASA workers. The task force consists of Chief Justice John Roberts, CIA Director Leon Panetta, and Senator John McCain, because nobody knows what to do with him.
Senator McCain said after a heated phone call with Gunderson, “He’s not a bad guy really. Not as bad as those fellows at that Hanoi Hilton. Their demands aren’t unreasonable after all. I think we should give them what they want, and maybe they won’t hurt us.”
Chief Justice Roberts and CIA Director Panetta are similarly conciliatory towards the group’s demands. Reached during a working lunch, the pair agreed the NASA workers are asking for it and they should get it. There was some side conversation about satellite locking on cell phones and drone launching, but overall both men were quite positive the problem would very soon be solved.