Boat-Upon-River, Oxfordshire, England, Great Britain (GlossyUKNews) — Professor Percy Hyde-Warf spoke from Oxford’s esteemed Council on Planetary Stuff this week on the planet Jupiter’s recent atmospheric changes. The CPS Director told reporters, “In short ladies and gentlemen, it’s those bloody Greeks that forced this on us.”
Hyde-Warf reiterated the basic principles of Econogravitationalphysics, wherein the Sun’s mass fluctuates in proportion to Earth economic stability.
“Look, I could show you all the computer models, but you wouldn’t understand them anyway, so just write down what I say. At least since the time of Galileo the planet Jupiter has had two primary cloud bands. Now it has only one. That’s because the lazy Greeks want to retire at age thirty with a full pension, and some twits were stupid enough to let Greece in the EU.”
Director Hyde-Warf then introduced Professor Trevor Chalmers, whose area of expertise is Earth currency exchange rate effects on gaseous giant atmospheric conditions. “Well, Percy has given you the overview; I’ll try to keep the details simple. Greece’s eminent default highlights the worst case scenario in the EU membership dichotomy.”
Professor Chalmers interrupted his remarks to define the word ‘dichotomy’ for the Time Magazine correspondent, and then continued.
“Allowing a member state the autonomy to make bad choices that will challenge the exchange rate of the Euro has thrown all world currencies into a state of chaos. Our computer models show this has had a .0000015 percent negative effect on our Sun’s mass, hence the downsizing of a Jupiter cloud band. We do our best here at CPS, but I don’t mind saying some of this has surprised us too. For one thing, we thought Saturn would lose a ring. For another thing, we’re all amazed somebody has bollixed up the works, and this time it wasn’t those damned Yanks on Wall Street.”
Responding to questions, Chalmers told Glossy News he didn’t know why British call their elevators ‘lifts’. Hyde-Warf said he didn’t know either.