Washington, D.C. – In what was hailed as a “good news, bad news” story today out of Washington, Subsidi-Farm, one of the nation’s largest agricultural companies, has been granted a federal contract to develop seedless, irradiated pot, which, among other things, will have a distinct yellow coloration to its leaves. Although seedless, the pot offers the same or better medicinal properties as that grown by private cultivators, due to the fact that all the plants processed will be female.
The good news is that the federal government is giving the green light to Subsidi-Farm to develop this particular strain of seedless marijuana for the purposes of supplying it to government storehouses and eventually distributing it to the hundreds of marijuana dispensaries popping up in states that have passed legislation legalizing medical marijuana. The weed is said be far superior to any grown by private farms and remains completely safe for consumption by card-carrying medical marijuana users. In addition, the irradiation process ensures purity and total consistency without producing any long-term ill effects for its users.
The bad news for private cultivators is that this particular marijuana plant, known as SF-MM151, will become the only legal marijuana in the United States. The government reiterated that the plant will be strictly controlled. USDA is expected to hire and train several hundred cannabis specialists to regularly inspect medical marijuana dispensaries and “smoke houses” throughout the United States, with the sole purpose of confiscating any marijuana that does not bear the trademark Subsidi-Farm bright yellow hue.
Medical marijuana dispensaries will be required to obtain both federal and state certification, akin to liquor licenses, in order to dispense the government pot. Licenses are expected to run in the tens of thousands of dollars; however, when compared to the enormous amount of revenues expected to be generated by medical marijuana dispensaries, the licensing fees should not create any protests.
Already, growers in California and Washington State are attempting to duplicate Subsidi-Farm’s patented plants, dubbed “mellow yellow,” but none have been successful. A Subsidi-Farm spokesperson told us that the process whereby ordinary pot such as California Bud or Maui Waui is irradiated and colored naturally involves a top-secret technology; it is virtually impossible to duplicate by even the most sophisticated pot growers.
What this means for the future of medical marijuana is that folks can stop fighting over their rights to use it. Smoke houses and marijuana cafes can stay open to dispense the product in an environment free from harassment by local police, providing, of course, they follow the strict FDA, DEA, USDA and local government guidelines for obtaining and dispensing mellow yellow from their storefronts. The distinct coloration of the pot will make it easy for agents to distinguish whether dispensary owners are trying to pass off artificially-colored pot for the irradiated Subsidi-Farm variety.
Some Republican congressmen, especially those in states that have laws legalizing medical marijuana, see this as an attempt by the Obama administration to use socialist methods to control yet another aspect of American life. Conversely, most Democrats see it as a logical step in the right direction: a solution to a problem that not only makes the majority of Americans happy but also lines the government’s pockets with much-needed regulatory revenues that can fund other social and educational programs hard hit by recent budget cuts.
President Obama is said to be quite proud of the fact that Subsidi-Farm and the U.S. Government can work together toward a well thought-out compromise on the medical marijuana issue, freeing state governments to focus their attention on more pressing matters, such as health care.
Doesn’t marijuana make you paranoid?
Hence the need for guns and the need to defend yourself against ‘the government’?
Psst- Look out, a black helicopter is sneaking up behind you at this very minute!!!!
I have had four major back surgeries in the last 2 1/2 yrs. I’ve been given all kinds off pain killers which none of them help with the pain totally. The only med. I’ve used that has worked 100% Is pot “Grandaddy purps” to be exact. I’m just not sure I understand how our tax dollars can be passed out to a firm to come up with a seedless plant & waste our money on that when we’ve been growing just fine for years. That’s a waste of my money. Why doesn’t the D.E.A. Raid there office? That’s right because it’s Probly in the same building!!! This government is slowly taking ever thing this great country was built on. I’m keeping my guns, my property, & my medicine ” marijuana ” !!!
obviously
Obvious satire is obvious.
How is this different than Feminized seeds?
Oh now, it’s NOT fair to blame this on marijuana use! They were probably fairly gullible before they started toking.
I show us at 29 comments… whiner. :p
R U saying fans of this story have attention deficit disorder?
Hey wait? I only got 26 comments on this story? WTF? Bring the discussion here, don’t just take the story and discuss elsewhere and then come over here when you learn you’ve been had. What a rip off.
I’ve read some books on this subject. And I’m reasonably sure that the side-efects are eating, not writing. I think. Hey, I’m not expert….get off my back, maaaaan! Fewer than Viagra and most anti-anxiety drugs you can get with perscription, but we can’t outlaw all that stuff now can we? Now will you open up the GD door?
Are you sure you guys aren’t smoking something as you write all this?
Seems some readers disagree. It’s like we don’t have a slogan on the site or something. 🙁
you’re just being contrary now. I get it. It’s satire, right?
Can’t watch it. I don’t smoke pot so I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed. 🙁
C’mon Brian. Watch the darn thing. Cheech says, “C’mon man, open up, it’s me Dave.” and Chong says “Who?” Cheech says “Dave,” and Chong says “Dave’s not here.”
I’m dense but not that dense, unlike the folks who aren’t getting that this Subsidi-Farm story is totally bogus. Although, I have to admit, it is some of my best work.
Sorry Patti, it’s a Cheech & Chong joke… Dave’s not here. It’s a weed thang.
Who?
@Dave – Dave’s not here, man.
No violent crimes until you take the last piece of pizza, Brian. Then stand back and watch the fireworks! (Better pack a lunch…it might take a while)
@Dr Kravitsky – I heard a story on the radio yesterday about a new proposal to legalize (and tax) marijuana, and who opposes it? The Sheriffs Associations. Not SOME of them, ALL of them. Why do they care?
Because they want easy arrests, I’m assuming. It’s not because there are ever any violent crimes because of marijuana (and I mean EVER.)
Thugs is right, it’s all they are.
Not sure if the subtle hint of satire was lost on you doc or if you’re just using this article as a vehicle to get your point across. Either way, uhm, thanks?
Do you see now why these thugs in uniforms are so opposed to cannabis legalization? In order to be able to rob the cannabis establishments at will. I saw this years ago! This shows that the dangerous philosophies of “radical pragmatism”, shared by both Marxists and Nazis, are well and alive in contemporary America! The extremists currently in charge of the DEA will stop at nothing to derail the medicinal cannabis program and the Will of Voters who voted for it. I wish I could see the day when the senseless and shameful witch-hunts against citizens over a natural medicinal plant cannabis finally end, and they will! I predicted a long time ago that anti-cannabis repression will lead to increased hard drug and alcohol abuse because they are not “easily” detected in random drug screens, especially when it comes to the “window” of their detection. All these so-called “random drug screens” unfairly target the users of the safest substance of them all – cannabis! I can’t wait to see the day when these shameful and senseless witch-hunts against citizens in connection with cannabis medicinal plant will stop altogether. I stressed many times already that no system, no matter of how repressive, can survive on a series of “un-realities”. Current undisguised assault by the “radical pragmatists” from the DEA on the will of the people of Montana (and now also Hollywood) demonstrate their delusional thinking their attempts in suppression science (and people’s will) will be more successful than those of Inquisition, Gestapo, or KGB! I wish I could live to see these people’s miserable and disgraceful failure! Everything that the DEA and its allies use to intimidate citizens (and politicians) about the remarkable cannabis plant is based on unreality: cannabis is NOT physically addictive, the so-called “gateway drug theory” is NOT scientifically valid, smoking cannabis does NOT lead to increase in the risk of lung cancer, legalization in other countries did NOT lead to increased cannabis use, and in addition it is proven that cannabis use suppresses violent behavior. Cannabis is immeasurably safer than alcohol, (and most currently used prescription drugs – do we even notice their devastating potential side effects at their TV commercials?), and be so ignorant as to say that cannabis plant does not have medicinal value is to be out of touch with “reality” altogether. Legalization of medicinal cannabis is non-partisan because all of us can get sick and be able to take advantage of its remarkable medicinal properties. Let’s reject the prohibitionist fear-tactics as they have no substance to them, and legalize cannabis in all 50 States without further delay!
I guess if you think the Third Reich or the Italian Fascists were socialists, in the sense of left wing socialism, you need to read the actual writings of Hitler and Mussolini who specifically explained how they were neither leftist or communist and they explain why. Hitler even explained why they chose Red and why they chose to use the word “Socialist” in their name. You are fooled the same way millions of Germans were fooled in the 20s and 30s.
You need to understand the differences in these systems before you go making global comments. There are a number of very successful socialist systems out there such as Sweden. And oh, by the way, Socialism is not Communism, they are very different, just as Fascism is different again.
You need to spend a lot more time studying before you go about spouting the simplistic Conservative line. I know you Right wingers are DEATHLY afraid of being lumped in with your Nazi bretheren, but that’s just the part of your history you need to accept.
~Rev Mike
Ok Glenn, we get it. Now back to your show. Better yet, go smoke a doobie and mellow out.
Control! Control! Control! You VILL be CONTROLLED! Ve haf the means to do this because elections haf consequences!! Und, Ve are the far left und Ve haf a PLAN….
Did it ever occur to any of you that the Third Reich was Socialist? Have any of you REALLY studied what some of the Radical Control Freaks surrounding Obama have said & written in recent years? Virtually every one of them is a SELF-ADMITTED Marxist!
Real freedom and real prosperity mean absolutely NOTHING to these people. To the Presidents Team, we are nothing but occasionally “useful idiots”.
I have studied History for over 40years… You all are about to experience in the worst way why failing to study History is the most Stupid Thing a Citizen in a Republic can do.
I hope and Pray that we survive the experience. Over 150 Million People did NOT survive making that mistake in the 20th Century.
70 mil = China
30+mil = Soviet Russia
10+mil = Communist Cambodia
55+mil = World War II
These are NOT estimated numbers, but MINIMAL numbers. Socialism is nothing more than a Gigantic Lie. It is an attempt to impose control upon the great changes unleashed by the Industrial Revolution. It has NOT worked in EVERY SINGLE COUNTRY THAT HAS TRIED IT! That is an indisputable fact.
Dude, or whoever wrote this, you wrote it’s a joke in the email, is this for real? Or just a joke? Are you a responsible journalist? Reporting or playing a really sick prank?
If it is, this will be the last time I even read this website!
Of course! Let’s make sure that someone and only one has the monopoly on this. What’s really sad is so many were gearing and planning to startup growing so that everyone will benifit and those who worked so hard to pass this so they can help by growning and bringing the price down, got screwed as well. So, dam the patients will, if it doesn’t work for them, which I doubt it will, then the government and our wonderful open minded president are going to shove this down the sick and dying throuts whether they like it or not, everyone else looses, and of course the Presidents good buddys are the only who will benefit and profit with their monopoly. Amazing how that worked. Should we be scared now to want choice and voice to express our opinions? Is this a choice or some sort of communist or faciest way of life now were all looking forward to. What’s next? Only one type of car? Everyone’s going to have to ware the same brand of clothes, jewelry? Will we be required to eat food produced only by one farm that’s good buddies with the president. He lost my vote in the next election. This is wrong wrong wrong and only helps two entities, the president and his good buddys at this farm nobody has even heard of. This is worst that just throwing everyone in prison for being sick. Are they just going to shoot and kill everyone who wants a choice when they find only one strain works for them and this doesn’t?
Enjoy your fat pockets Mr. President, I’m sure your good buddys already are. What a very stupid selfish horrible thing to do to all who worked so hard to make this right. This is no different that when the plastics companies hired Hearst to evilise this so they could only benefit as well and threw all those people in jail who knew better and only wanted a choice other than alcahol. SO that’s it then, a monopoly and nothing more. No studies, no way to know if this will even work for those who need a specialized strain. Rediculous and selfish to say the least and another slap in the face of the American people. Don’t even think I’ll vote for this one ever again!!!
Beware- Monsanto is casting covetous eyes upon this!
Come on, this is farce, as in not real aka fake comedy news!
The only problem with this is that like so many other medical canabis patients, some strains work for my illness and others don’t. what if this strain doesn’t provide relief for all patients? Are they just out of luck then?