This is an excerpt from N. A. Kay’s newly published illustrated novel Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man, illustrated by Daniel Meisels.
The Flies and the Bugs
As I’ve mentioned many a time before, Chicken Butt, though he was a chicken, wasn’t an ordinary chicken. When he was entering adolescence he heard many ideas of what it meant to be a man, and, as most of us know, most of them revolve around sex. But Chicken Butt didn’t really get the idea of sex because he’s a chicken and everyone else was human – none of the females from his species were around. As such, he was much more interested in other male phenomenon. And from his pea-brained cognitive abilities, he came up with a theory, a theory to explain a male conundrum to men, women and humankind alike. He took it so seriously that he even wrote it down. Here it is for your viewing pleasure:
We will refer to it as the Pleasure Room, the room where males can fantasize and the fantasies can be fulfilled. Males fantasize a lot, but, because of physical and social restrictions, male’s desires are rarely fulfilled to their maximum. But in the Pleasure Room, everything is different. For most men, they come into their own in the Pleasure Room. For some women, if not most, it is an awkward and sometimes even painful experience. Some are even shy of the Pleasure Room’s existence, and even the idea of one. But for men, it is the Pleasure Room. It is the room of fantasized release. It should be noted that there are instances where the Pleasure Room even lets men down. But for healthy men, the Pleasure Room is their place to escape and connect with inner peace.
Men love this room because they set all the rules. And if they don’t set the rules, the Pleasure Room becomes a disastrous interim for a man. The male will feel pain in these instances. They will feel rejected and scrutinized. They will feel ashamed and bashful because of it. The main effect is that it will heighten their frustration. The frustration will be compounded to such an extent that they can become ill from it, not just feel futile and depressed, but they will actually become unwell. Failing in the Pleasure Room will be one failure men will try to hide – even from their closest friends. It is an experience they will not want to experience again, but will return to it out of sheer desires and biological instinctive forces.
This excerpt is too long, too tediously boring and just too damn ridiculous. Wait. Do you think he is talking about sex? Well, if you do, you are completely wrong. You are as wrong as a human can get. You are as wrong as an act of incestuous, pedophiliac and bestial relations all rolled in to one. You are as wrong as warm beer. You are as wrong as winter in Canada. That’s how wrong you are. To Christians, you’d be the anti-Christ, and to everyone else, you’d be rainy days in the city. C. B.’s essay has an odd title and doesn’t reveal anything about the article’s actual subject – The Pleasure Room and its Varied Experiences.
Chicken Butt loved this article so much that he endeavoured to get it published in a magazine. He was unsuccessful of course, and so C. B. went to the next best thing – framing it and hanging it up on his wall. And if you ever walked into his room, he would get up and say something like: “What are you looking at? Oh, my article…Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.” And he would blah-blah on until all of your brain secreted out of your ears because listening to Chicken Butt has been scientifically proven to make you retarded.
Ok, back to the article which states: “… the room where males can fantasize and the fantasy can be fulfilled.” No more build up, no more procrastinating, no more going to the mall to pick up something instead of doing your home work, or watching a movie and not doing your laundry, or doing your laundry and not making a phone call you were supposed to, or going out with friends when you are supposed to be handing out resumes, or sitting at home waiting to hear back from jobs after sending in a resume instead of phoning them and following up, or sitting in bed reading a fluff story because you are too lazy to get up and get Dead Souls from your desk about four feet away, or going for a work out and then a shower and then some down time and then sitting in front of the computer and then making a phone call to Jim about the fantasy league and totally forgetting about a homework assignment, laundry, the dishes, bills, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, washing, spraying, soaking, poking, scratching, hacking and all other household activities. Where am I? Right. Ok. The Pleasure Room is the place where men and women alike go to relieve themselves.
Glossy News has been granted permission to publish a total of four excerpts each Saturday for a month. Check N. A. Kay’s archive page to see everything published so far.