Central Iowa. The Clarkview University Alumni Association (CUAA) announced last Thursday that it plans to celebrate its 100th Anniversary this spring while hosting numerous exciting reunion festivities. Graduates and their families are cordially invited to return in April to visit old friends and classmates, tour the campus, meet with faculty members, and participate in a range of activities as the association proudly marks a full century of successfully employing thoughtless, repetitive, and extremely annoying strategies aimed at draining the financial resources of others in order to advance various university programs and causes. According to sources, the CUAA’s rather intensified efforts over the past several years to bother the ever-living shit out of former students (who have already dished out truckloads of tuition money) with obnoxious phone calls, pamphlets, newsletters, and emails begging for donations are seemingly paying off for the rapidly expanding post-secondary institution hell-bent on advancing its rank among other profoundly expensive liberal arts colleges. While many of its recent degree earners still struggle to make ends meet as they deal with raising children, making house and vehicle payments, looking for jobs, and even going back to school out of the desperate need for further education and career training, Clarkview was able to boast a new addition to its extremely popular (and heavily used) Spreadeagle Recreational Center earlier this year.Reflecting on the massive turn-out for Clarkview’s 90th Reunion Party, held in May of 2012, Director of Alumni Relations Dick Peterson, 49, offered several highlights from the large gathering that involved several generations of former undergraduates from all over the state enjoying breakfasts, dinners, dances, tours, and several other social events as they reminisced about their college years. Former fraternity members Bill McKinley and Fred Harper, both from the Class of ’89, remembered smoking marijuana and drinking so much hard liquor that they fell off the bleachers during a football game while Ryan Kroep, Class of ’95, laughed with friends and family about the time he took a dump in front of the library and spent the entire night running away from campus security.
Laura Kohler, Class of ’99, recalled the magical evening when she took ecstasy and cheated on her boyfriend for the first time by blowing half of the Men’s Basketball Team, and Aaron Becker, Class of ’02, couldn’t help but think about all the Friday nights he spent weeping alone in his dorm room while masturbating to nighttime infomercials for bun and thigh rollers.Amidst the celebrations, Alex Smith, Class of ’04, even wandered around in Wycliff Hall, the dormitory he used to live in, and was brought to tears by the fact that it still smelled like ramen noodles, armpit sweat, old carpet, unwashed jock straps, and careless fornicating.
Because Integrity, Service to Community, and Lifelong Learning remain central to the mission statement of Clarkview University, the Alumni Association would also like to remind attending members that it is currently accepting donations for a massive statue depicting a student sitting on top of a stack of books while absent-mindedly staring at a laptop, which will be constructed in front of the Online Learning Resources Center next summer.