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Bin Laden Dead, Trump Demands Long Form Death Certificate

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- who has written 514 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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24 Responses to “Bin Laden Dead, Trump Demands Long Form Death Certificate”

  1. Damn, Brian! You beat me to the punch on this one. Although I took a slightly different angle, great minds think alike.

  2. Brian K. White says:

    First of all, glad you found it (buried in the sidebar), but I have to take ostensible umbrage to your suggestions…. this is the natural order of things. As sure as Trump is a circus clown, and this presidential run a “normal” course, this is all just part and parcel of the regular cycle.

    AMIRITE?

  3. Kilroy says:

    When the news broke, I gave up on doing an “Obama kills Osama” piece and just had my computer shot.

  4. P. Beckert says:

    I’m actually not buying the whole story. Something just doesn’t sit well…Like, why was his body dumped at sea and so soon? Wouldn’t we want to keep it to examine? I’ve never known the US Government to give up evidence that easily…Can someone clue me in?

  5. Kilroy says:

    No conspiracy. He was starting to stink.

  6. BobZaguy says:

    “I’ve never known the US Government to give up evidence that easily…Can someone clue me in?”

    He was dead. Then he slipped on the aircraft carrier’s deck and fell in naturally. No one missed him at first.

  7. rfreed says:

    OK folks, nothing to see here.
    Just a newspaper headline.
    Let’s move along now.
    Keep it going.
    Hup, hup,hup.

    Actually that was really right on. Sorry I didn’t think of it.

    I be they dumped the body at sea:
    To prevent souvenir seekers both American and Muslim.
    So that the radicals couldn’t get the body and make it a shrine or martyr site.
    To keep the fundamentalists from being outraged when they saw his corpse.
    Because he was killed by more than just a gunshot.
    or
    Because was really that Chinese basketball player and they screwed up.

  8. I agree Beckert. With the Government’s track record of truth telling (i.e. Pat Tillman, etc.), it’s hard to take anything they say at face value. Although, I have to admit, I’m a conspiracy coconut, so I’m susceptible to these things. As Sherlock Holmes once said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

  9. P. Beckert says:

    love your reply, Kilroy, but I’m still not sold. I hope to hell I’m wrong, but I’m not going to buy into the whole thing as easily as some are. Something stinks beside Bin Ladin’s body…

  10. Kilroy says:

    Time will tell, Beckert. Then the CIA will whack it for telling.

  11. UR always rite, Mr. White.

  12. Brian K. White says:

    I think they had to do the sea burial. I heard the troops were starting to “Weekend at Bernie’s” him. Throw some shades on him, start walking around with him waving to people. It was funny, sure, but we’re better than that.

  13. P. Beckert says:

    And you didn’t write a piece on this idea why?

  14. Brian K. White says:

    Cuz it just came to me when I put it in the comments. I don’t doubt the validity of the kill claim. If it was going to be a political lie, it would happen the week before the election… or at least sweeps week.

  15. P. Beckert says:

    Now who’s the cynical one? I just like asking questions before I drink that cuppa kool-aid being offered. That’s all. I think you need to expand the “Weekend at Bernie’s” theme.

  16. Kilroy says:

    Better put a cap on him. Bernie had his upper skull intact. I’ll bet Osama’s got a “slight dent” in his cranium.

  17. Nothing wrong with skepticism. I believe the story because right next to a Pakistani military academy is about where I’d expect Bin Laden to be living unmolested for five years.

    Such nice folks we give a Billion or so to every year…

    Also, I’d remind all? Photos of a dead Bin Laden don’t belong to our President. Is it TOP secret that Bin Laden is dead? Should be up to US Congress to debate whether to release photos we paid for, I should think…

  18. P. Beckert says:

    I heard one argument for not releasing the photos that made sense to me until I reasoned it out. The person said that if such photos were made public, there would be too many people photoshopping them around, inflaming the terrorists even more. Well, as I thought about this, I realized, people with mad photoshopping skills (are you listening Brian?) don’t need actual photos of anything to make a believable photo of any event.

    I lived in Brazil for a couple of years and was subjected to uncensored news photos of kids being killed in the streets, dead bodies in police blitzes, the whole nine yards. I didn’t like it. I don’t care who you are, your body need not be paraded after death for all to see. It is really quite sadistic and needless in my honest opinion.

    I’m still a bit skeptical, but with each new newscast and the constant drumming in my head that Osama bin Laden is dead comes a realization that even on the off chance that he isn’t, the reality in front of me is that everyone says he is. So be it. Don’t need to see a gruesome picture to make it more believable.

  19. Brian K. White says:

    Liberties, it’s not “a billion” we give them, you lying liar pants! (it’s $7.5billion for 2010-2014… yikes!)

    The president doesn’t “own” the picture, but it is the possession of some national security package. Congress can order its release, I’m sure, but I highly doubt they would. Tough call though.

    I’d sure feel better seeing them. It’s not morbid curiosity, it’s intellectual curiosity.

    Maybe that’s what will be released right before the election.

  20. Kilroy says:

    All I need to know is that he’s dead. End of story. I don’t want to see his sex tape either.

  21. BobZaguy says:

    “I’ll bet Osama’s got a “slight dent” in his cranium.”

    More like a madly botched frontal lobotomy.

  22. BobZaguy says:

    Pat: “I lived in Brazil for a couple of years…”

    I thought you weren’t allowed to talk about this for 35 years.

  23. P. Beckert says:

    BobZ,
    I’m a rebel, what can I tell you? I’ll probably now have to hide out a few years in Bolivia.

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