Horoscopes by Catman, Dude

Welcome once again to the astrological stylings of Catman, Dude—the only seer who is not afraid to ask, “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Mr. Dude is an award-winning prognosticator who is half-cat, half-human, and half-assed. The Dude’s ability to predict the future is exceeded only by his inability to recall the past, which he, nevertheless, claims to have foretold with “unerring” certainty.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): A reaction to eating shellfish destroys your ability to speak in the past tense. One day a man with unusually hairy knuckles standing behind you in a pizzeria hears you say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.” This leads him to mistake you for Vinny “The Rat” Ugotz, a dime-dropper hiding out in the witness protection program. I leave town fast if I am you. Your sign partners: Mariah Carey and Elton John.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You apply for a patent on a drinking game involving a cucumber, a French-to-English dictionary, and an atomic clock, but you run afoul of a local sheriff with political ambitions who calls the game obscene. You have two options: seeking foreign distribution or losing the French, adding pork rinds, and naming the game after the sheriff. Most of the roadblocks you encounter this week can be skirted by this kind of inspired evasion. It’s the unmarked speed bumps you have to be concerned about. Your sign partners: Cher and Pope John Paul II.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): A retired CIA operative named Beano and a drag queen who calls himself Chuck E. Cheese figure prominently in your forecast. Their capacity for wreaking havoc with your financial plans is staggering. How did it come to this? Was it your obsession with secrecy or your fondness for illicit toppings that brought you to this star-crossed juncture? As you search for an answer, remember this: sometimes it’s a good idea to think inside the box. Your sign partners: Paul McCartney and Anna Kournikova.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): A friend shows you how to turn back the odometer in your car. Suddenly you begin to look increasingly youthful and slim. You celebrate by going shopping. When you emerge from the mall, your car is missing. Gradually you begin to feel old. What a rude way to learn that your manipulative tendencies make you dependent on the objects that you manipulate. If they are removed, you’re screwed. Learn to manipulate yourself first, and try not to get caught. Your sign partners: Hunter Thompson and Camilla Parker Bowles.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Did everyone but your creditors and your parole officer forgot your birthday? Don’t let other people’s selfish preoccupations with their lives spoil the party. Send yourself an anonymous e-mail, agree to meet the sender for dinner, and don’t be shy about giving it up on the first date. If you don’t have a birthday this week, send an anonymous birthday card and a pound of fudge to someone who does. It’s better to be a gift horse than a horse’s ass. Your sign partners: Bill Clinton and Halle Berry.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): The alignment of your birth stone (the guano) with your ruling house (the House of Pancakes) and your power tool (the plunger) suggests that you make sure you’re wearing clean underwear if you travel this week. If you take the car, be certain that your air bags are functioning correctly and your tires are properly inflated. Paranoia is no disgrace. It is Nature’s way of telling you that something bad is about to happen. Your sign partners: Michael Jackson and Lilly Tomlin.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23): You are the sort of underachiever who started out with nothing and still has most of it. Recently American Express sent you a pre-approved credit card and a letter that began, “Don’t leave home with it.” You live each day as if it were your last, then you wake up the next morning disappointed. Be patient. Don’t chase your dreams. Let them chase you. While you’re waiting, explore the wonders of performance art: enter your eyebrows in a topiary contest. Your sign partners: Jesse Jackson and Suzanne Somers.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): You dream about a trip to Questnovokia, a land where magnetic attraction does not exist. Perhaps this dream indicates that you have too many geegaws on your refrigerator door. Perhaps it explains why you cannot seem to bond with those to whom you are attracted. Later in the week a friend will ask you to go see an Elvis impersonator in a night club. Beg off! Otherwise you will develop a craving for peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches and prescription drugs. Your sign partners: Prince Charles and Hillary R. Clinton.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): For the time being you are fated to bite off less than you can chew. Your ego isn’t speaking to your superego, and your id isn’t returning anybody’s calls. Worse yet, your aura is about to have a bad hair day, and your self-esteem will plummet when you discover your new T-shirt singing, “I’m too sexy for that body.” Unfortunately, relief isn’t just a swallow away, so binge drinking is not an option. Casual, meaningless sex is your only salvation. Your sign partners: Keith Richards and Britney Spears.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don’t settle for mushrooms when truffles are in season. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She’s not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she’s still recovering from the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you’ll rise to new heights. Your sign partners: Kevin Costner and Kirstie Alley.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Troubled by your lack of formal education, you enroll in a no-courses, no-tests, no-waiting virtual university that awards degrees based on a student’s life experiences. After reviewing your application and waiting for your check to clear, the dean’s council votes to grant you a Bachelor of Arts in Compromising Positions with a minor in communicative disorders, providing you allow them to keep the pictures. Did you remember to write SAMPLE across the pictures? If not, you better start working on your self-preservation skills. Your sign partners: John Travolta and Paris Hilton.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn’t butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don’t deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering “I see living people” in a tiny, traumatized voice. Some people close to you might caution that trading on appearances is no substitute for developing the inner you. If they persist, try holding them at arm’s length. Your sign partners: Jon Bon Jovi and Glenn Close.