Normally it’s the Democratic Party that is accused of Warring-Against-Christianity™ and Driving-God-Out-Of-The-Schools™.
But now the conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has jumped on the Pinko-Liberal-Secular-Darwinianist-Homosexual-Bandwagon:
I mean, people are talking about all these superstitious and fanatical texts… that Quran book, Dianetics, Das Kapital, the Miley Cyrus autobiography…
But as far as I’m concerned, the Bible is Literally-The-Most-Dangerous-Book-In-America™.
No, seriously. I mean, I already knew what the Bible was, roughly, and what some have called its Crucial-And-Founding-Role-In-The-History-Of-Our-Nation™… But I didn’t know that much, you know, concrete stuff, until I actually started probing deeper.
Yeah, that’s right, I picked up a copy and read it in detail for the first time…
Well! I was shocked… I mean, was just SO SHOCKED! For sure! I mean, all this nonsense about giving away all your possessions and, you know, healing and feeding contemptible work-shy freeloaders who all just want something for nothing™…
Well, that’s sheer socialism™! I mean, Uncle Joe Stalin tried that™, and we all know where that ended up™.
Yeah… I mean, it’s actually no wonder so many stupid kids become atheists! I mean, this Shameless-Left-Wing-Propaganda™, it’s literally worse than The Muppets teaching kids to hate on so-called Big Oil!
So, I think not ONE of our public schools should be allowed to permit such pathetic and dangerous Hard-Left-Agitprop™ to be disseminated. That’s right, our innocent and immature kids need protection™ from such radical, deviant ideologies.
I mean, it’s bad enough, you know, Lenin, Pol Pot, Piers Morgan, Chairman Castro; but these twelve apostles, whoever they were?
Hell! Seriously! I… Well, I just don’t have words to say how extreme these Violent-Manipulative-Out-For-Blood-Social-Justice-Warriors were!…
Oh… yeah! And… and don’t get me started on the embittered and resentful socialist ideologue, the wicked and unprincipled demagogue…
Yeah, the godless hooligan who so cruelly and cynically seduced all twelve of these once merely innocent, naive, idealistic, and callow youths into hardcore revolutionary SJW extremism!
You know, I’ll be honest with you™… I’m not one bit surprised that the Romans had to deal with this guy! I mean, if I were Caesar, I’d have done PRECISELY the same thing! For sure! Seriously!
So… get this dangerous and fanatical terrorist treatise out of our public schools, and get it out NOW! I said NOW! No questions! No compromises! No delays! Just do it! RIGHT NOW!
I ask His-Most-Exalted-Moral-Outraginess whether this means he will become a Democrat and join the war on religion.
“Well, no,” he says:
“Absolutely not. I mean, it seems, the Democrats aren’t making war on religion at all. I mean, I’m always, always, always, happy to admit I’ve made a mistake, and got things wrong…
“Well, once in a while… you know, within reason. Still, the Fanatical-Far-Left-Extremist-Democrats™… well, it’s like, if anything, they’re somehow following this book to the letter, and I don’t like that™, and I don’t want to be a part of that™. Period…
“I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m an American, I’m Christian, the two things go together like Non-Organic-Gluten-Rich-Apple-Pie and Walmart-Full-Fat-GM-Friendly-Ice-Cream…
“But, you know, I don’t have to be fanatical about it; like all those Mormons, and Moonies, and Christian Gays, and Scientologists, and stuff.”
His-Most-Exalted-Contritely-Atheister-Than-Thouness tearjerkingly (not to say circlejerkingly) concludes:
“Hence, I’m not touching that damned book again in my life. Take it away from me!”
Next time, I will show you a response from a notable figure who does not… as it were… provide ABSOLUTE or UNEQUIVOCAL support for Rush’s Radical-Secular-Atheist-Darwinianist-Agenda… if you will…
Well.. for those of you interested in questions of rhetoric or style, the style of the foregoing sentence may perhaps conceivably have given a not-entirely-non-unequivocal clue for who such a figure may be…
Had you but eyes to see, ears to hear, or mouths to roar…