Oceanic Airline to Charge for Existential Angst

Los Angeles – GlossyNews.com – Oceanic Airlines has announced plans to institute a surcharge ranging from $5.00 to $57.50 for passengers transporting books which exhibit existential angst, says company spokesperson Macine Galvertson.

“In the future a hefty surcharge will be levied upon those passengers transporting heavy works of philosophy on board our airplanes,” she says. “In particular, passengers bringing onboard works of extreme existential angst will be subject to surcharges, the exact amount depending upon the particular philosophical work in question.”

Oceanic Airlines has consulted with Prof. Julian Bulgerstadt of the University of Budapest to develop a schedule of charges for various philosophic works. “Anyone caught bringing on the plane virtually anything by Kierkegaard will be hit with a stiff surcharge,” notes Galvertson.

“Particularly to be avoided is The Concept of Dread, The Sickness Unto Death, and especially, Concluding Unscientific Postscript, the latter incurring the maximum $57.50 fee.”

Galvertson says the airline, working closely with Professor Bulgerstadt, has developed a schedule of fees which is posted on its website and can be keyword searched. A few examples include

Thus Spake Zarathustra, $19.95, Beyond Good and Evil, $17.50, and The World as Will and Idea, $8.95. Anyone who’s detected bringing such heavy works of 19th century German philosophy as these onto the plane without paying the surcharge will be docked his or her peanuts and cheesestick and maybe forced to sit next to a nine-year-old if one is available.

“Admittedly our surcharge plan has some holes,” notes Galvertson. “Like what do we do with somebody reading German philosophy on a Kindle? We expect there to be people who flaunt the rules in this way and we are training our flight attendants to be on the lookout for people reading ebooks containing words such as Eigentumisverhalinisse and Vorgeschichie.

Such German mouthfuls are a clear indication the passenger is reading something about Teutonic existential angst and has boarded the plane illegally without paying the surcharge.”

Asked why there is no surcharge for bringing aboard books about British and American philosophy, Galvertson responded, “Professor Bulgerstadt considered that option but in the end concluded that the works of British and American philosophers, being mostly lighter than air, might actually be beneficial in keeping the plane aloft and therefore were not proper items for the surcharge.”

Author: Will Johnson

Will Johnson operates several e-commerce websites and writes stage plays in his spare time. Will is editor of News-Ruse.com.