NEW YORK, NY —Glossy News Dumpster diving in New York City the other day brought up this quite wrinkled but interesting tidbit – a résumé cover letter to:
Top Mama Grizzly A. Huffington; cc: T. Armstrong — AOL
From: First Mama Grizzly S. Palin®
Re: Senior Executive Vice President position for AOL Mama Grizzlies
Dear Top Mama Grizzly A. Huffington—can I call you Ari?,
I am herein laying out my rightful claims, as of 1 o’clock pm this coming Monday afternoon, to your unlisted senior executive VP position in your new AOL job. Note to Ari: See contract stuff below…
Why? It stands to reason that I have openly and financially supported the largest group of previously unnamed and unknown Mama Grizzly veterans in the recent Mid-term elections in the Lower 48. And I was very impressive with my wins, if I say so myself, and I do. So, I figure, you owe me.
H-E-double hockey sticks, I wrote the Mama Grizzly® book. And I copyrighted the name as well.
Between you and me and my Facebook account, that gun sight graphic was worth its weight in gold I do gaurantee. And all that side story stuff about the Gifford girl, gettin’ in the way of random street gunfire like she did down there in Tuscon, Meet your Congresswoman stuff. Well you know that wasn’t part of any gun sight plans I dreamed up. I never met that kid before. H-E-double hockey sticks, I don’t think it’s right to just shoot any old people or whatever they happen to be.
Anywho, my plan for you and AOL here is simple really. Once I am in, we just make sure Obama takes the blame for this whole sad situation that he has created by his inaction. Boehner will leak the whole thing, how Obama, by not getting involved, was actually convincing you and your advisors to not pay people who work for you and make them see how they will benefit from this flim-flam®.
As an aside, Ari, I do like this comment of yours: “The idea of going on strike when no one really notices, Go ahead, go on strike.”
I say this acts as proof of my crusty old maxim ‘if a tree falls in the woods, does anyone care.®‘
Anywho, we will call my genious plan “Rob Peter to Pay Paul”® – get the pun? Pay Paul, PayPal – of course we have to let PayPal in, they’ll pay for all our ads — a great tie-in for them. We also are in for getting Obama re-elected for another 4 just to keep our cash-cow going at full tilt.
That will be the focus of my first couple months in your employ. I will of course write yet another book (most of it’s already on a tape here somewhere) and I’ll Walmart* it around the country, store by store. By the end of the first full year with me at the helm Ari, you are going to be wallowing in cash, plenty to pay my salary, which by the way, needs to be in the $18 mill +/- range at the beginning – oh, almost forgot: + the standard jet, NYC condo, bendy straws, Todd’s silk boxers, that whole contracty thing. It’ll be messengered over in the next couple of hours.
I’ve got McCain working on the final details now. He’s so cute – he still doesn’t know how many houses he has. He said the other day that he thought his guys had sold one of his smaller places down there in Arizona to my Bristol. He can be so funny.
Anywho, just initial and sign it whatever and fax me back a copy, like ASAP.
Honey, I’ve always said, “What can be sexier than a woman who abuses power”®, and mama, you’re on it like bear turds on ice. No smell until the spring thaw®.
One last thing, here. I read that you said about this whole grizzly thing that I wrote the book on, “I like the idea of fringing together young journalists with old grizzled veterans with a dark secret.”
My only question here is WTF is this ‘I like the idea of fringing together’ thing? I have to say I got a little bit of that threw up in my mouth here. Even though you say you like it, I don’t like the idea of any greasy grizzly mainstream media types doing any ‘fringing’ with my dewy-eyed bloggers – even if I knew what it meant – and I don’t, that’s why I’m askin’. And especially as I plan to set up a work- from-home spot for Bristol, at a price much below my own, of course. She’s done dancin’ with greasy media types.
Hear me on this, Ari?
First Mama Grizzly signin’ out®,