Seedy Falls, CO – Pam Anderson, noted for being an environmentalist and animal rights activist, as well as a past Baywatch bimbo, recently purchased several hundred acres of pristine land, near Glenwood Springs, Colorado. Anderson hopes to use the tract as a wildlife refuge for abandoned bears, pigs, and cats and as a private retreat for the filming of another sleazy sex tape before her Botox wears off and her plastic hardens.
According to Anderson, on the remote and uninhabited wooded tract, there’s a tall tree on one of the highest points on the parcel of land which encompasses over 600 acres. Anderson, claimed in order to view and photograph the natural splendor of her land, she was determined climb the massive tree so she could survey her ranch from its highest point and snap several wide angle photos for her website.
After securing the proper gear, and a quick lesson on tree climbing from a pro, Anderson climbed the tree in about four hours. According to Sheriff Elis Nottingham, Anderson encountered a very surprised and an endangered Spotted Owl’s nest. With feathered fury, the female owl attacked a distraught Anderson! In her haste to escape the owl’s wrath, Anderson had to wrap her legs and arms around the trunk to quickly slide down the massive tree in order to give as much space as possible to the nesting owl.
It was a bad mistake.
The ensuing slide and her controlled fall delivered several hundred, large splinters of wood into Anderson’s crotch area, the soft, splintery wood easily passing through the thin fabric of Pam’s trademark LL Bean hiking shorts.
In considerable pain, Anderson phoned 9-11 for help. Sheriff Notttingham responded and rushed her to the nearest doctor, which was in neighboring Glenwood Springs, over 35 minutes away.
Through the pain, Anderson explained to the doctor her avid interest in environmental issues, the tree climb, and the painful details about how her crotch area came to receive the splinters of wood.
According to the doctor’s spokesman, he listened to her story with great patience and concern, promising care would be painless. He then directed her to go into the examining room and he would immediately see if he could help. The legendary impatience of a pampered actress caused complaints from other patients as Anderson waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. When the doctor finally arrived carrying a stack of papers, the teary-eyed and very angry star demanded, what took him so long, since the pain was increasing and no pain medication was administered.
Hornby wanly smiled and gave her this reply, and we quote, “Before doing any procedures, I had to get the proper permits from the US Environmental Protection Agency, the US Park Service, the National Wildlife Federation, and of course, the Keep Colorado Beautiful Commission, before I could remove any old-growth timber from a national recreational area. I’m sorry, but they turned me down and you’ll have to appeal their decision.”
The EPA will be investigating the case and promised a speedy resolution to Anderson’s woes, regretfully advising the actress to submit the proper paperwork and the course of action may take as long as six months.
In past years, a steady increase of activist-actors have been purchasing vast tracts of protected land to use as ‘pet’ projects for various endangered animal programs where endangered species are brought into wilderness areas and let loose. The EPA and the Interior Department has voiced concerns about this unparalleled action taken by private citizens citing chaos in the wild.
Last year, Ted Turner announced he was releasing a herd of Giraffes into the Bitter Root Mountains, and as recently as last week, a herd of African elephants were spotted bunched up and shivering at the base of Mount Shasta in Washington.
LT, be careful now! Those religious nuts will be on your case for leaving a nice comment. You needed to say something like….”Pam Anderson’s boobs are a sure mark of the Devil.”
Now darn it, that’s just pretty!