Fanfare accompanied critical praise this week as the New York Times best seller list welcomed it’s newest member. Rave reviews came from white, black, latino and Asian critics, all claiming him as a member of their own.
Raised by a wealthy white business tycoon on Park Avenue, Gumbel describes his childhood as being much like Diff’rent Strokes, “but without all the black stuff.” Gumbel’s book details the many benefits of “only being black on applications and down in my tweed trousers where it counts.”
Ever since dying and perming his wavy blonde hair in 1982, Gumbel’s success has grown strongly and steadily. His brief sting in adult film under the name Jerome White has not been an obstacle, as many thought it would. “Imagine being first picked for basketball and also for cricket,” explains Gumbel. “Not imagine getting a job on the race card and also being paid like a cracker. This is the very essence of being ‘almost black like me.'”
Due to the wave of success the book has earned, Oprah Winfrey’s publicist has indicated that they may push back the release of her expose “Mostly Black, But All Sista” and further that they may change the title to “Girlfriend with Ten Million Benjamins”. Oprah herself was unavailable but a recorded statement at her residence thanked us for calling and kindly invited us to leave a message at the tone.
In the book, Gumble alludes to his membership in the Kinda Black Club, allegedly founded by Little Richard and consisting of such demi-brothers as Will Smith, Mariah Carey, Jaleel White (Steve Urkel from Family Matters) and subsidised by former black Michael Jackson.
“My colleagues and I have learned to focus our blackness and synthesize it so all races can appreciate us, while we ourselves have been completely stripped of any race. I’m a jack of all races, a master of none.”
He concludes his book with a look tot he future. “We’re proud of our androthnicity and complete lack of heritage. Some of us have had genetic conditioning or varying degrees of blackendectomies, while others go tanning and get jerry curls. We are the very image of single generation evolution. We are the most extreme of minority, though the majority can not see it. That is why we can and will rise to power. Our day is near. Say it loud: I’m almost black and I’m proud!”