Christmas Carol Parody (Once in Royal David’s Tavern)

Once in Royal David’s Tavern

Sat a lonely family

Mary, Joseph, and her baby

All alone, on Christmas Day!


Joseph sighed and said to Mary

It’s so dull, why don’t we have a beer?

Mary scowled and wagged her finger

There will be no drunkards here!

Mary tried the best she could

In this humble tavern so rude!


Joseph threw a look of pleading

Mary stood as firm as David’s men

We all know what our Joseph is like

When you’ve had a drop or ten!

Mary tried as best she may

To keep her Joseph from the fray!


A drink? The winking barmaid gestured

Aye, gizz ‘ere! Our Joseph slurred

Mary’s eyes opened wide in horror

As the ale the lass did pour


Cup and cup, and bottle upon bottle

Did our rash St Joseph imbibe

Mary groaned, her vain entreaties

Could not staunch the rising tide


Now do behave! His Mary warned him

Three wise men are on their way!

They are solemn men of virtue

No more drink! Dear Joe, behave!

Mary knew the sages of the east

Cared but little for fermented yeast!


Ooo, look at that! the first wise man cried

Swaggering in the tavern pleasant

Give us that! the second wise man roared

Casting down his tribute pheasant

Mary’s eyes went wide like tankards

Were these wise men, or idle drunkards?


Through the night, the wise men reeled

And sang and roared and reeled again,

And when the shepherds came to join them

Then they were truly merry men!

Mary at last, had a glass herself,

Soon there ne’er was empty a shelf!


And so it was that every Christmas

We are merry, in our way

This is not a time for groaning,

Teetotal grimaces? Not today!

For if He is named the God that dances

Then every reveller should take our chances!

For every Yuletide is a time of joy

Drink sing and dance, now don’t be coy!


Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!