Cleveland Ohio – On August 6th the presidential hopefuls for the Republican party gathered in attempts to remind people that Donald Trump is not a real candidate.
Among the cocks in the cluster fuck were Governor Chris “Bridge-y McHugs” Christie and Rand Paul, a poodle fur ‘merkin enthusiast.
Tempers flared as Paul declared that he wanted to take more records from terrorists and fewer records from American citizens. The merkin enthusiast explained, “The terrorists simply have better taste in music.”
This of course is a misinterpretation to the famous study by Cornell University which found that Americans expect to live to be 100 years old and thus feel they have the time to listen to shitty music and watch reality television. Whereas typical suicide bombers feel life is too short to pretend to like the Beatles.
The Obama-toucher, Christie was quick to point out the critical flaw of Paul’s plan, “How will you know which albums belong to the terrorists and which ones belong to the Americans? You have to take everyone’s music.”
Paul shot back, “Terrorists do not listen to Phil Collins!”
A source from the NSA confirmed this for Glossy News, “Yeah, that’s pretty true. Terrorists hate Phil Collins with the exception of the Tarzan soundtrack.”
The heated exchange ended with Christie reminding Americans that he made 9-11 “all better” by hugging the families of victims, rocking them ever so gently between his supple boyish man-breasts.