NEW YORK, NY – There are collectors and then there are collectors — those who transcend the bounds of baubles and nostalgia to dabble in the truly unusual. Some people are content to save stamps or coins. Others express their happiness with vintage record albums or memorabilia. But in the homes of fringe collectors, all of these objects are replaced by rarities such as shrunken heads, embalmed limbs of circus freaks, found art, and toilets. Among these collectors of the unusual, New York based rocker Lady Gaga stands out.
Upon entering her fashionable mid-town New York flat, one is struck with the decorating skills that make the home’s entrance comfortable and engaging — that is until one gains the living room, where along all three walls stand 22 fully working urinals, illuminated by hidden lights. Most are strikingly well preserved. Others evoke cringes to rival those seen in the public WCs at the Port Authority.
“Yes, I collect them, all of them work and several are vintage models,” claimed Gaga as she picked up a fresh pink urinal cake and tossed it into “Old Number 4″ as indicated on the gilded sign above the yawning porcelain cavern.
“Yes, Old Number 4 came from the original supplier that made them for the Titanic, and this model is an exact duplicate of the ones used on the liner. When you flush it, the gurgling noise sounds exactly like the ship’s last moments before it slid beneath the waves. I like the part where you can hear the ship’s musicians saying, ‘Screw this, I’m jumping!'”
One unusual urinal was completely mirrored, which seemed odd, but Ms. Gaga explained that it was a male self-confidence enhancer that had a micro-chip recording built into the body that’s activated when a warm urine stream splashed against the surface.
“My male guests get a big kick out of that one. First of all, the mirrored back is concave and it enhances their size in the reflection. Secondly, the micro-processor plays ‘Hey there Big Boy’ with a French accent!”
Another urinal, number 10, had a device that spun while an aimed stream hit it. Closer observation showed it to be a miniature roulette wheel. The urinal had a coin slot on the right side where gambling pissers could actually place a wager.
“You like that one, huh? So did Donald Trump. We managed to take $5,000 dollars from Donald one night before he ran out of piss. Guys like him always do, way before they run out of money.”
Almost unnoticed was a vintage water fountain in the corner. Lady Gaga explained that after “The Donald” visited they realized they could have earned more money from Number 10 if there were plenty of water and beer on hand. She opened a hidden door and a beer tap complete with a mug chiller could be seen.
Perhaps the most unusual was a character urinal shaped like Barack Obama’s head, complete with Dumbo ears, a well tanned appearance and of course a wide smile.
”Watch what happens when you pull the flush handle.”
Once pulled, the large ears on each side of the urinal began to flap and the large brown eyes rolled in a circle. Hidden from view, a recording device began playing the Communist National Anthem….The Internationale!
The last urinal boasted a “Do Not Use” sign. Lady Gaga explained. ”Oh that one. It’s a fake. It’s made of plastic with pressure sensitive tape on the back. My friend is a jokester and likes to take it to a mall or museum or hotel lobby and stick it on a wall then stand in front of it. Really, it gets most people talking! ”
The usually congenial Lady Gaga offered us a tankard of cold beer and our choice of urinals before leaving.