Windows 8.1 Invites 100k Testers, Discards All Data

Microsoft has undertaken the biggest Operating System test in history by inviting 100,000 users to labs around the world to test their new platfrom. More than 5 million pages of data was collected, all of which were discarded.

“It wasn’t easy to deal with all the data,” said project manager Abe Zeekstrom, “but after pulling it all together, we managed to do it.”

There have been concerns that the feedback recieved woudl be wholly discarded, but Zeekstrom assured us that, “No, it was actually a lot of work. We had to take in all the information, then go through like three levels to delete it, clear it from trash and reformat our drives to make sure it was gone.”

When asked if they’re discarding feedback wholesale, Zeekstrom’s manager Namewithheld-Don’tYouQuoteMe said, “Listen, we get millions of trouble tickets and bug reports a day. If you think we’re going to make this worthless OS (Operating System) work, well then you have a LOT to learn about Microsoft.”

“No, we accept all the feedback on the new operating system,” said project manager Maerk Jakeobbsen, “And then we go to great lengths to delete it all unseen.”

When asked why they wouldn’t look at it, Jakeobssen directed us to the free Swedish massage cubicles, which I’m pretty sure all reporters moved over to, rather than getting any answers to any direct questions.

“Windows 8.1 isn’t just the futre of the web, it’s also the past and the present,” said a lovely blonde model hired to point at an empty product box. While she could offer no details, she was very nice and awfully pretty, much like Windows 8.1, which likewiswe offers no substance to back up it’s good looks.

When pressed for answers, an event coordinator put me literally hand-in-hand with an OS comfort maiden, who took me to… anyway, we fully support Windows 8.1.

Full disclosure, we did not accept any cash compensation for this glowing review, just… you know, met some nice people. Some really nice people.