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God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS, LA – As Storm Debby battered the state of Florida Monday, His Lordship Almighty God apologized profusely to the Sunshine State, after admitting that the tropical storm – which has caused widespread flooding in Tampa, Tallahassee and Jacksonville – was in fact intended solely for New Orleans.

Blaming the error on poor internal administration, God insisted that the devastation caused across much of Florida was not a reflection of his feelings toward the state or its people, and assured Floridians that Storm Debby would soon move on to the south coast of Louisiana “where it will hopefully cause unimaginable death and destruction.”

“All right, I admit it – I messed up,” He said, gazing omnipotently down at The Gulf Coast. “I mean, nobody’s perfect, right? I really didn’t think you guys would experience more than a light drizzle if I’m honest. Please don’t take this personally. I assure you that there was no malice intended. In fact, I was reserving that for the evil heretics who bear their breasts at Mardi Gras.”

The geographical misjudgment comes some 7 years after Hurricane Katrina successfully ravaged what God refers to as “the city of sinners”, while the BP oil spill of 2010 severely impaired the city’s “crappy little fishing industry.”

“After the successes of the past few years, I really just wanted to finish off that abomination of a city once and for all,” He continued. “Hopefully once the storm passes Florida, my plans will still come to fruition.”

Meanwhile, asked to expand upon speculation that the 2011 Japanese tsunami was itself meant as a catastrophic attack on New Orleans, God was unequivocal in His response: “Good Heavens, no,” He said. “I just don’t like yellow people.”


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Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.


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