CIA Internal Advisory: Secure Communications Guidelines

Dear colleagues,

In light of recent developments, we would like to advise all agency personnel about the use of certain communications channels and processes which may not be sufficiently secure. Please pay attention to the new guidelines below.

1. Don’t use a shared Gmail account’s drafts folder to exchange messages with colleagues, confidential informants, or extramarital partners. Even your teenagers are not that stupid. Instead, if you want to ensure that no one else will see your message, post it on Google Plus+.

2. If you click on the “settings” button in Gmail, a drop down menu appears on which one of the choices is “settings”. While you are busy wondering why “settings” is an option in the “settings” menu, someone could be reading over your shoulder or stealing a flash drive off your desk.

3. They would not have been able to steal the flash drive off your desk if you had followed our previous Directive No. 6178262 and kept it hidden at all times inside your ass.

4. If you use a flash drive, do not put on it the names of all our secret agents imbedded with terrorist organizations around the world. See the new film “Skyfall” for details.

5. If you employ a hired assassin to kill someone, do not pay him by including a casino chip in his weapons case. That’s just silly. Also see the new film “Skyfall” for details.

6. If you insist on using a casino chip as payment for a hired assassin who is then killed, allowing the person who killed him to trace the casino chip to Macau, be sure that the assassins you have waiting for him there are not so stupid that they do not notice an enormous gila monster standing right behind them. “Skyfall” will be shown in the agency cafeteria this Thursday from 15:00 to 17:00.

7. The viral video of the Telecoms Surveillance Department lip-synching “Call Me Maybe” was not appreciated.

8. The viral video by the South Korea Desk, “Langley Style”, was hilarious, well choreographed, and not appreciated.

9. Do not post a photo of your cat on Facebook, in which it is adorably holding in its paws a list of the names of all our secret agents imbedded with terrorist organizations around the world.

10. You are all allowed – in fact you are encouraged – to e-mail shirtless photos of yourselves to our colleagues at the FBI. Just to yank their chains. Heh, heh.

Sincerely,

Mike Morell
Interim Director
Central Intelligence Agency