STOCKHOLM, Sweden (GlossyNews) — Scientists in Stockholm are just now concluding a 5-year long research project designed to determine whether or not mainstream consciousness is finally overpowering mindless consciousness and endangering the world we live in to such a degree that we may find ourselves staring down the real Apocalypse of 2012.
Some of the findings are startling. From the “don’t worry your bottom dollar about it” scenario to “holy shit, we have a crisis on our hands” [our words not theirs], the report is poised to set the social networking world on its head.
Everything from school buildings becoming obsolete because kids can just go to school from their bedrooms, to scientists botching some of the most important scientific studies of our time because they got sidetracked by Twitter, have found their way into the report.
“Human interaction, as we know it,” said Dr. Heinz Friedendehead, “will no longer be the norm, and in some cases is already becoming quite abnormal as people begin to find ways to hide behind computer screens in order to communicate with family, friends, loved ones, bosses, doctors, lawyers and the occasional stranger.”
Dr. Friedendehead claims that the very complex issues that are facing us as a people such as global warming, famine, disease, super bugs, etc. were once getting the attention they deserved maybe twenty years ago, but in today’s social networking arena are taking a back seat and suffering from botched data caused by a lack of attention on the part of the research scientists studying the issues.
“Global warming, for instance,” he said. “Global warming was poised to be taken care of just after the turn of the century, but instead the social networking site ‘MySpace’ appeared on computer screens. From there, it morphed into ‘Facebook’ and now all anyone can say about global warming is that it is on everyone’s mind—right. Just after how many times Lindsay Lohan has been jailed and what color panties Katie Perry is wearing today, or whose dog pooped on whose neighbor’s lawn.”
Dr. Friedendehead has this warning for us. “Wake up people. You can only see so many ‘puking pumpkin’ and ‘monkey ninja’ images before realizing that we have a major problem the world over. Aunt Sarah’s bout with arthritis is important, sure, but so is saving our planet. Get off the computer, go to work on something important, and send Aunt Sarah a ‘Get Well Soon’ card through the mail.”