Poorly Written Internet Content: the Best Entertainment?

Reading websites has become my new hobby. I get more entertainment from them than any television show or movie I could be watching. There is a plethora of ill-written–to the point of comical–content, and sadly a paucity of well-written, attention-worthy content. But hey, maybe it’s just me. You be the judge. Here are a few tidbits I found while surfing websites offering limo services in the South Florida area. Who knew hiring a limo for a wedding could be so much fun?

1. When talking about a special wedding day, one company noted: “You obviously have a nose for the finer things.” I think they may have gotten their senses a little mixed up. Somehow “nose” and “finer things” in the same sentence don’t convince me that they have much “taste” when it comes to luxury.

2. One company seemingly doesn’t believe in lasting love. “Once you let ‘us’ be the transportation for your…wedding limousine, you will want to get married…again!” Forget the fact that they can’t “be” transportation, more importantly, they want to be sure you use them not only for your first wedding but each subsequent one as well.

3. And I am guessing these guys either want the chance to get things right the second time or just have a few problems with the tenses of their verbs and the use of their pronouns. “Let us treat the bride and groom how you deserved to be treated and get you to the church on time.” Are they apologizing for the way you were previously treated and offering to make it up to you? In any event, offering to get you to the church on time instead of the bride and groom may just portend a repeat of the same poor service.

4. Now this company knows exactly what the bride and groom most expect of a limo driver when it comes to their big day: “our service providers are professional…and are trained to get you to your honeymoon suite as fast as humanly possible.” The heck with safety, the heck with courteous, just get us to that danged hotel room now!

5. Here’s another company that knows what the “big day” is really all about: “…we know what our role is…. Our trained drivers will conduct you in an unobtrusively way.” Just to clarify what I think they are trying to say is, their drivers won’t thrust themselves upon the happy couple on their most important day. How much more professional can you get than that?

6. This is just odd. I’m thinking this copy may have been written for some limo service that operates in some faraway place, maybe Jupiter, in the year 1920? “Then say SeLavue as you ride in style to catch your awaiting airplane or steamship…” SeLavue? C’est la vie, who cares if they can write well or not, they’re sending the happy gangster and his moll away on their honeymoon aboard that steamship in style.

7. This last one has so much that is just wrong, that I’m gonna take it apart in pieces and hopefully, no one will be able to put it back together again. “Florida limo services are as much a cottage industry in…Miami as is, say, cheese in Wisconsin.” Do you see how cleverly they tied the word cottage in with cheese in Wisconsin? Wait, there is so much more of this amazing descriptive style of writing. Try this on for size. “Clubland, as it is known, is not just a nocturnal theme park but a way of life for some.” If I’m reading this correctly, there is a theme park named Clubland, and I wanna know where I can get tickets because I can’t wait to visit Hip-Hop Land, and the Hall of Rappers.

But even this limo company has its limitations as noted in the following: “…no excuses are needed to throw a party here. Short of throwing a glammy event for the grand opening of a new gas station…” What, you mean I’m going to miss the grand opening of the new Speedway down on 181st Street because I can’t get a limo ride?