New York, NY — Beginning next week, scores of religiously fervent Jewish males will descend upon the Jacob Javits Center to participate in the highly anticipated 19th annual Yarmulk-Con.
The registered attendees have spent months on the Internet generating buzz for the event in chat rooms and downloading their favorite scripture passages via ‘Bit Torahnts’.
The four-day subdued bazaar will feature an array of exhibits, panels, seminars, and workshops with prominent Jewish leaders, including inspirational spiritual advisors and the most successfully manipulative mothers in the tri-state area.
“This is an opportunity for young men to congregate in a highly supervised atmosphere and bask in the uniqueness of their religion,” event coordinator Ephram Adelman said. “Every aspect of this affair has been arranged to allude to the nuances of the Jewish faith. For instance, every line will move right to left. Additionally, we were able to secure sponsorships from gentile corporations for the first time. We are grateful to the Pabst brewing company for customizing a non-alcoholic kosher ale especially for the event called Pabst Blue Rabbinical.”
Some registrants claim that the 2009 convention will represent a significant personal rite of passage. According to Eli Rosenblum, “this year represents the thirteenth time I will be attending Yarmul-Con, thus I will be making the time honored transformation from fan boy to fan man.”
Although the rigid structure and somber tone will be familiar to those of years past, the 2009 convention will showcase the “Test Me” Booth, which will feature a man dressed as Job, who will administer sample PSAT questions of the highest degree of difficulty.
“It is unfortunate the Test Me booth was not around last year,” Yarmulk-Con regular Seth Liberman lamented. “My cousin Avi could have benefited from the extra exam preparation. Instead, he is now studying creative writing at Brandeis. That is one plague his resume can’t avoid.”
When pressed to elaborate on his overt disdain for the well-regarded liberal arts college, Liberman stated “Brandeis is to Harvard what Esau is to Jacob” with a creepy assuredness suggesting that analogy was actually relatable.
The convention will also feature the Meribah Rock Test of Strength, a scientifically calculated un-winnable attraction designed to reinforce the belief that feats of athletic aptitude are unrealistic and ultimately not worth pursuing.
Additionally, CBS Television star David Krumholtz will address the crowd in a special symposium entitled “The Book of Numb3rs,” in which he will inevitably disappoint the solemn crowd by discussing Rob Morrow’s methodical preparation for the role of principled Special Agent Don Eppes instead of insightfully deconstructing the fourth book of the Hebrew Bible.
After the scheduled formalities conclude on the fourth day, the attendees will be treated to a concert featuring a Star-of-David-studded litany of performers, including Lady Synagogue-ga, who will be performing her latest single “Non-Kosher Face.” She will be followed by Oy-asis, who is expected to croon their popular anthem “Wailing Wall.” Furthermore, the event has generated more intrigue among rumors of an impromptu RUSH-ashona reunion, although this has been dismissed as mere speculation.
In a prideful gesture of solidarity, the attendees have chosen an appropriately unorthodox route to the venue. They are scheduled to meet outside the Kabash Kosher Deli on 74th Street and embark en masse on a 40-block journey across the city to the Javits Center in unified protest of the 25-cent subway fare increase by the Metropolitan Transit Authority.
“The MTA possesses absolutely no regard for the financial constraints of the people of this city,” exclaimed defiant Yarmulk-Con registrant Abel Adler. “We don’t need an underground railroad to get where we need to go.”