Simon Cowell used to be unjustly accused of being the UK’s nastiest and most longwinded self-styled culture expert.
So, in order to avoid the unpleasant stigma of being the nastiest man in Britain, he has finally decided to join UKIP.
Hmm… maybe he was inspired by the Fasc’ Factor event he judged not long ago?
See Cowell’s vigorous, enthusiastic and top-marks announcement speech (and swansong):
Look, I’m not being scathing…
But I think you people should just shut up and go home.
No, look, what you’re doing may be fine in some pathetic, miserable, Third World student karaoke bar in Camden, but it’s NOT alright here. You walk in here, you abide by our tastes and values…
No, no, shut up and listen. If you don’t like what I have to say about you, you can bloody well walk out that door now.
No, don’t you dare call me hateful, you pathetic, cringing little…
No it’s not hatred! No, look, some of my very best friends like singing Rebecca Black, it’s not you, it’s nothing personal!
And by all this, I mean, of course:
‘It’s not you, it’s just all the other pathetic tinpot Bieberites.’
Yes, by the way, did you know, I once knew a man who trimmed the hedge of the great-aunt who mowed the lawn in the church of the vicar who baptised the former singing coach of a notable Black Lace personage?
So how could I possibly be a bigot?!
Look, I don’t mind a few 70’s pop tributes here and there, but if you could be a bit less flamboyant and mouthy and disconcertingly alien about it, and stop shoving your stupid wigs in my faces…
Well yes, of course I know you people have never known anything else, but I’m trying to educate you about our customs.
Well, ooo, lucky you!
So, for one thing…
That’s right. Autotune. Unless it sounds OK, by any means necessary, then you can just bloody well bugger off. No more idiotic, pointless, irritating jibber-jabber and screeching, right?
Oh, I give up.
Bigot? No, look, if you take nothing else away from this (and I’m not holding my breath)…
Please remember, technically, I’m not a genuinely hateful and pompous music critic.
You know, not a genuinely vicious and pseudo-intellectual one like Theodor Adorno or Natalie Wheen or Chris Moyles.
(Oh, by the way, are any of those guys in the BNP or Green Party, by any chance?)
Louis Walsh was unavailable for comment, but rumour has it he is starting an even more extreme party…
A rather loudmouthed assemblage of radical nationalist performance artists known as the Finnish Gale-A-Minutes.