Jennette McCurdy, the 21-year-old star of Nickelodeon’s Sam and Cat and iCarly is making headlines not fit for her Nickelodeon audience. Nudey headlines.
Several more semi-nude selfies have been leaked to the media, and we do mean leaked. The glossy 8×10’s were literally dripping with salaciousness when they arrived in our P.O. Box.
In them, the waifish blonde poses seductively on her bed dressed only in what appears to be whipped cream, sweat, and an unknown substance that may or may not be Nickelodeon’s famous green slime, but in a cloudy, whitish color.
The internet is abuzz over who is behind the leak. And where to send the thank you card? Is it her ex-boyfriend and basketballer, Detroit Piston Andre Drummond who revealed the selfies to the world? McCurdy does not dispel such rumors with her recent tweet “To anyone disappointed: I sent those pics to 1 person. You can connect the dots. Shocked someone would stoop so low. I just speak w/ candor.”
But is she referring to Drummond or someone else we’ve known her to spend late evenings with?
Many McCurdy fans believe Drummond leaked the photos to retaliate for Jennette’s loose lips, because she claimed that she broke up with Drummond because he was a bad kisser and their sundry parts didn’t line up properly. Granted, the five foot two McCurdy needed to wear six inch stilettos on a pogo stick to kiss the six foot ten Drummond, shower scenarios aside, but could the truth be more sinister? Could she have had a more symmetrical, scorned ex-lover?
Undercover agents for Glossy News, posing as teenybopper magazine journalists, have discovered that McCurdy’s love life has a deep, dark secret that involves a big screen star whose hat never falls off.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
As her mother lay dying from cancer, a young Jennette McCurdy became interested in acting after she watched Harrison Ford in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, or as it was called back then, Star Wars.
In 2003, she had the opportunity to work with her mentor in the movie Hollywood Homicide. Only after a deep probing interview with McCurdy and seven Tequila Sunrises has our Glossy News reporter uncovered the shocking truth.
McCurdy and Ford have been involved in a torrid secret love affair for at least five years, around the same time that she turned legal and Harrison Ford went on Social Security. Further investigation has uncovered a long list of evidence: emails, texts, and a Han Solo poster covered in bubblegum lipstick that still hangs in Jennette’s childhood bedroom.
The smoking gun was discovered last week in a series of currently private Instagram selfies featuring her posing alongside of a leather whip with the caption, “I have been a very naughty girl, Doctor Jones.”
Further evidence has also been found in the lyrics to her hit song “So Close”…
“I think you might be close to perfect, cause you know what I mean, He’s got a face straight out of a magazine. Gotta pinch myself to prove he ain’t a dream. I can’t help myself, now my secret’s out.”
Granted, the last magazine cover featuring Harrison Ford on the cover was AARP, but several of Ford’s friends hint that he’s been breathing heavy beneath the sheets with Jennette for some time, and not only because he has emphysema.
Ford, like Andre Drummond, is wisely denying any allegation of leaking the nude photos. He and his publicist have repeatedly refused comment to Glossy News, however his agent’s former assistant tells us that McCurdy is “too much Jabba the Hut and not enough Princess Leia” for the 71-year-old Ford, and that he avoids any relationship that might result in a broken hip.
Perhaps that is why he married the anorexically beautiful Ally McBeal star Calista Flockhart in 2010. The hinted at but unnamed source added that Flockhart “would never let him use his whips on anyone but her.”
Drummond, meanwhile, is not taking the allegations personally. He is focusing on basketball, and who can blame him? At least he gets to score with the Pistons.