Anderson Cooper Set to Propose to Kathy Griffin at Midnight

Well, folks, you can stop wondering whether (1) Anderson Cooper is gay; (2) Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin are dating; (3) Kathy Griffin is really a guy; or (4) Kathy Griffin is really a guy, gay and dating Anderson Cooper who is also gay, because, evidently, after the ball drops in Times Square tonight, Cooper just may be setting himself up for an even bigger ball drop by proposing to Griffin.

Yep, you heard that right. Sources very close to Anderson Cooper claim that the nice guy of mainstream media fame is ready to propose to the most abrasive woman in show business (in his age group at least). Now all that is left is the answer.

Oddsmakers in Vegas say the sure money is on Kathy yelling ‘yes’ so loud, it will be heard over the noisemakers in Times Square where the two will be hosting “New Years Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.” And they are pretty sure she’ll get something in there about being so excited she just peed her pants before jumping all over Cooper like a red-tufted lemur. There may also be nudity so it is advised that you might want to send the kiddies into the next room to watch “Night of the Walking Dead with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest” instead.

Most of us can’t imagine what would possess mild-mannered newsman Cooper to go for the self-proclaimed diva whore of stand-up comedy who has openly said more than once that Cooper can’t help it if he was born gay.

“The only way we can possibly explain it,” says Cooper’s best friend Sanjay Gupta, “is that the rumors that the poles are shifting, causing a magnetic disturbance at the equator has somehow affected our Cooper’s thinking and he is just not himself.”

Meanwhile, Cooper remains mum on tonight’s proposal. “If you are asking me straight up if I am going to propose to that madwoman, the answer is a definite no. But, if you are asking me if I could be crazy enough to marry someone like Kathy Griffin, the answer is, ‘hell, man, I’ve stood in Japan in the middle of a nuclear meltdown and took radiation levels on myself for a 24-hour period.’ I think I can handle a firecracker like Griffin.”

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at

22 thoughts on “Anderson Cooper Set to Propose to Kathy Griffin at Midnight

  1. What is ASSUME supposed to rhyme with?
    Or did my incessant brow beating with Shakespearean-esque lyrics nullify your mind to the point of insensibility?

  2. I will not let this rest until I have satisfied my insatiable lust for vengeance.
    Unfortunately I’ve run out of words ending with -OOM so I will have to substitute -OOR instead.

    When I bring my jihad to your DOOR
    you will jump down to the FLOOR
    terrified to your very CORE
    and for mercy me IMPLORE
    as fear runs out of your every PORE.

    I think I will give up my non-lucrative career as a humor writer and become a rap superstar……

  3. Your terror of my jihad is starting to BLOOM
    as you know you will be incinerated in a giant FLUME
    only ashes will be left to EXHUME
    It fills your heart with a dreadful GLOOM
    and leaves you empty and CHARAGTRATHLUME.

    (OK, I cheated- I invented the last word.)

  4. OK, that does it! The kid gloves are off now!
    I’m going to become a jihadist, come to meet you both, and make a BOOM!
    It will be your ultimate DOOM!
    It will lead you to your TOMB!

    OK, your turn. Let’s see you top that one, smart asses!

  5. That witness should quit trying to dig up the dirt on Beckert and…GET A BROOM! Seriously, refreed, you shouldn’t get me started.

  6. Great comeback!

    Unfortunately not quite how I and the witness hiding in the closet with a camera remember it…….

  7. I waited all night for that proposal and it never came. But, Kathy did strip down like a Times Square hooker ($25 dollar price range), so I guess that counts for something.

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