Picutres of the annoying starlet choking up on the toke bat surfaced last month, which she dismissed as representing something slightly more legal than marijuana. Yesterday, it was announced the now famous bong is up for sale. Police have assured us they don’t need it, as they “don’t investigate rich white girl crimes.”

Even though Miley claimed the water pipe, or bong (but let’s not kid ourselves, that toke-shot was pure bong,) was not used to smoke marijuana, under normal circumstances that would still be cause for serious investigation. After all, young Miss Cyrus is too young to drink alcohol or rent a car.

There is no evidence that it wasn’t used as for the sticky-icky.

More importantly, even if it was used for the inhalation of Salvia, that is still a crime under the Federal Analog Act. That pesky piece of DEA legislation, in a nutshell, says that anything used for the purpose of getting high is by definition an illegal drug.

Does the pipe have marijuana residue? Does it have trace amounts of Salvia? Is the young starlet’s DNA on the mouth piece?

The police don’t know, and they’ve already admitted they don’t care, but you can still find out just by being the high bidder on this classic piece of pop history. They’re more likely to investigate her for making terrible, terrible music, but even that possibility seems remote.

“What can I say?” said one unnamed and presumably imaginary police officer, “She’s just above our pay grade.”

So from all of us in celebrity gossip, we say you go Miley, you go… You go jump in a lake, and one likely full of your own soft-earned doubloons.