LONDON, United Kingdom (Glossy News) — What was meant to be a special day for children at Middleburytonshire Elementary will be recalled quite differently after a surprise visit from Johnny Depp took a turn for the worse.
Precocious Jessica Smythe-Flaverhaven wrote a letter to famed actor Johnny Depp, believing Captain Jack Sparrow to be a real person and not just a film character. But what many may have otherwise called adorable, PETA activists called a criminal violation of animal rights.
In her letter, little Jessica, who allegedly wrote the letter by herself, asked the fictional Captain Sparrow’s help in a planned mutiny at Middleburytonshire Elementary. As of this report, it remains impossible to say how the letter found its way to Depp’s agent at the precise time the actor happened to be in England. Whatever the magical coincidence, the beloved screen icon decided making children happy was more important than publicity for the upcoming “Pirates of the Caribbean IV.” A school visit was arranged.
That is apparently when things began to go horribly, irretrievably wrong.
Mr. Depp arrived at the school accompanied by several other characters from the “Pirates” franchise, all costumed in full buccaneer regalia. In the hallway, they met Security Guard Mackey, who later claimed never to have seen a pirate movie or any film starring Johnny Depp. In a statement to authorities, Mackey said he wouldn’t have recognized Depp in or out of costume.
The incident was captured on the school’s closed circuit video systems. In the footage, Mackey enters the frame the moment that Depp appears in the class room. Mackey inserts himself between Depp and the students, then begins to accost the group, saying, “See ‘ere Guvners? You can’t be lolling down our beebos with them shucksters.” Tragically, however, nobody in Depp’s entourage seems to comprehend Cockney gibberish, which leaves them unable to respond to the security guard’s concerns. On the video, which has become a Youtube sensation, just edging out a baby dancing to Lady Gaga, Depp can be seen reacting with his trademark grace to Mackey’s protestations. But Captain Sparrow’s monkey co-star behaves less professionally.
Analysts brought in by officials to view the video reported that the monkey’s “confrontational” gestures, as Mackey described them in his testimony, were typical and likely unrelated to the incident at all. Bertold Nivelhauser, the lead analyst, said, “I honestly don’t believe Jack the Monkey understood anything happening in the room. He seemed quite bored, to be frank. And his actions in no way suggested that he was trying to attack the security guard. As primates are wont to do, he was attempting to masturbate. There’s nothing unusual about a monkey spanking his monkey, if you know what I mean.”
Regardless of the monkey’s intentions, Mackey immediately tasered the animal. New to the use of tasers, Mackey had only made it to page 14 of the operator’s manual. Sadly, page 15 starts with, “Never use the taser on a monkey.”
The monkey was pronounced dead at the scene. Local biologists believe the monkey was a member of the Rhesus family, although it was hard to tell with his hair all singed off like that.
The road to hell, they say, is paved with good intentions. What was meant to be a treasured day at Middleburytonshire Elementary will be remembered differently, due to an avalanche of misunderstandings and ironic language barriers. For many teachers and children, it will sadly be recalled as the day Mister Mackey fried the Monkey.