UN HEADQUARTERS, NEW YORK — In an amazing show of quick response today, the governments of Canada, Great Britain, Costa Rica and Cuba introduced a resolution into the United Nations proceedings that bans Rush Limbaugh from entering their countries over the next 10 years.
The UN Ambassador of Canada, John McNee, spoke as the head of the new organization, Globally Ban Limbaugh Travel Quickly, a/k/a GBLTQ — not to be confused with GLBTQ, a national organization of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer men and women.
“Our organization is composed of the first strike countries where Rush Limbaugh might quickly decide to establish a residence, much to our mutual sadness. We are enlisting the UN and its Security Council to act swiftly to deny Mr. Limbaugh any health reform redress in our countries. We all have universal health care that is demonstrated to be superior to the US health care system, which he says is the best in the world. Let him stay where he is.”
Mr McNee continued, “In the words of the wonderful French woman, Marie Antoinette, “let him eat his own cake.” It is this sentiment that drove us to come together and implement Globally Ban Limbaugh Travel Quickly.”
Smiling at the Cuban Ambassador, who was next to speak, Ambassador McNee introduced Cuba’s UN Ambassador Ileana Nunez Mordoche.
Ambassador Mordoche spoke with great force, “Mr. President we are concerned in Cuba about the increases in criminal human trafficking if Mr. Limbaugh is allowed to select any of our countries as his residence. It is also of grave concern that he is prone to medical problems due to continued illegal drug usage and drug dealing which our countries are trying to stem. We ask that the UN place a stop action on Mr. Limbaugh’s plans to travel within our borders.”
When asked about the human trafficking angle of her speech, Ms. Mordoche said, “We expect international standards to be in place to halt this spread of residences by rich, slovenly people who have no interest in supporting our lifestyle.”
As an aside, the Cuban Ambassador said, “We also aren’t interested in his sexual leanings, which I understand are somewhat gay. Neither are we swayed by his public insistence on smoking our elegant Cuban cigars with such ugly arrogance.”
Ambassador Mark Lyall Grant from the UK spoke next. “We side with our Canadian and Middle American brothers in seeking that this emergency resolution be passed by the Security Council of the UN. It is of utmost importance that Britain’s population be spared from this hegemonic act by Mr. Limbaugh. We feel that this possible threat to move and establish a permanent residence in a foreign country solely to take advantage of universal health care that he would be entitled to as resident, is an act of total aggression and expansionism of the largest sort.”
Mr. Grant closed his remark with this thought, “We base our decision on the simple fact that Mr. Limbaugh’s income per year is equal to or greater than what small countries have as their entire budget.”
The resolution has a five-year extension option beginning in 2020 and running through 2025, the approximate optimum length of life that insurance actuaries see for Mr. Limbaugh if he continues to live in the style to which he is accustomed.
United Nations Secretary–General Ban Ki–Mun showed great enthusiasm about the upcoming Security Council GBLTQ proceedings and smiled when asked if he favored such a personal UN position in the world.
“Yes, I am in favor of putting this loudmouth on notice that he is persona non grata in these countries”, said Mr. Ki–Mun. “I am also willing to allow the UN Security Council to place a guard at his three-swimming pool compound and follow his every movement. We can’t have a media celebrity taking affairs into his own hands and threatening poor countries just because he has a crappy radio program that only 12 million misled people listen to each week. Now if Oprah wanted to move, that would be a different story.”
Mr. Limbaugh, contacted by gate intercom at his palatial compound, said he was unavailable for comment when asked if he planned to leave the country anytime soon.