PHOENIX, AZ — Former Faux-Con presidential candidate and current Senator John McCain is running scared in his home state these days against a teabagger-type radio talkshow host who boasts of his plans to put Senator McCain down!
“Nothin’ doin’! This guy ain’t gonna take MY Senate seat away from me,” said a disgruntled McCain at a press conference today. “I’m bringin’ in the big guns here. Scott and Sarah. It’s high noon! The two top vote getters in the whole country are comin’ in to help get me — yes, me, re-elected.”
Get ready for it, as it’s never happened before. Scott Brown, former model and Cosmopolitan centerfold, will stage a “Bare It All” private fund-raiser in a quiet hotel ballroom in Tucson. This will be the last word in “Meet and Greet” politics. Some cynics are already calling it a hand job.
Billed as “not your usual gathering”, Brown will entice more than votes out of a very privileged short-list of big-bucks types with a $25,000/person restaging of the Cosmo photo shoot. As he put it in a phone interview from Washington, “It’s going to separate the men from the boys, I tell y’all. No hiding your jewels in the centerfold crease here! All participants will get an up-front and personal chance to shake with me, the new Senator.”
Senator Brown was asked for more details about this off-limits for press event, but he refused to elaborate about anything. “Mum’s the word. My lips are sealed at the express request of Senator McCain’s staff. They don’t want a word to slip out.”
Sarah’s bringing little Trigg along this time and she has renamed him Trigger for the 1-day sham wild-west shoot-out and rally she’ll stage at Tombstone’s OK Corral with John McCain featured as Doc Holliday, Scott Brown as Wyatt Earp and Sarah playing Wyatt’s saloon hall girlfriend, Josephine Marcos, a popular wild west gambler, card dealer and local author by trade.
Sarah describes the shoot-out rally herself by iPhone conference call video from the Fox Lear jet while she jets around the country interviewing an experienced replacement PR person to do this media grunt work for her.
“Yes, we will work up the attending rally audience with a riveting portrayal of the most famous gunfight in the history of the old west. After all, these rally attenders are going to be bussed in–teabag people who are traveling some distance to watch. Since they are being asked for donations to underwrite our little performance–I think the budget for this one is about $250K–they are going to want to get their money’s worth,” she said smiling.
“I was amazed to read that this gunfight took place in historical Tucson, er, I mean, Tombstone’s downtown sometime about a century ago. What a spectacle we’re going to be puttin’ on for the folks. Real live history, right on the street. You know it only lasted about 30 seconds, but it sure is famous and I am proud that I and little Trigger will be a part of history – even just this little part. ”
She continued, “There’s good ol’ Doc Holliday, that’s Mr. McCain of course, and Wyatt, that’s Scott Brown there. Oh I hope thery can round up some local Democrat council men somewhere in the state to play Billy Clinton and Tom McLaury and their band of cutthroat cowboy rustlers. We’ve gotta have these other side fighters or the gunfight won’t come off very well. Can’t have that.”
Holding up her hand, she said “You know that this Josephine woman was really ahead of her time in this part of the world. She was quite the successful gambler and writer I understand.”
McCain’s press rep broke in and said that after the festivities, “Senator McCain will take Senator Brown, mano a mano as the Senator likes to say, to catch the University of Arizona-University of Southern California basketball game on Saturday.”
There was no mention of what Sarah will be occupied doing.
Later on McCain said when asked about going to the game with Brown, “Scott and I enjoy watching white folks doin’ things that show we care.”