“I love being a father,” Ben Affleck said to reporters who actually had asked him about his new film “The Company Men,” the arrest of his wife’s stalker, and of his wife’s revelation to W Magazine that she will never work with her husband on a film project. “It’s wonderful. It’s changed my life. It all sounds like platitudes and clichés, and that’s because they’re the truth.”
“We were together a year, and we just started breeding,” Jennifer Garner said of starting a “life” with Ben Affleck. “We were like, ‘Let’s have a baby!’ And eight days later…”
And eight days later, baby Violet was born. The preternaturally abbreviated gestation period puzzled doctors and caused religious fundamentalists to take to the streets with torches and sandwich boards warning of the Antichrist’s arrival.
And just 11 months ago, Garner and Affleck ushered in another baby, whom they named Seraphina. But with Mom’s busy schedule, Affleck has had to prove his babysitting skills. Just a few days ago, he said to reporters, Garner left him in charge of the baby – but first explained how to feed her. A horrified neighbor who witnessed Affleck feeding the infant placed a frantic call to the police.
Affleck’s wife arrived home to find Child Protective Services and local authorities attempting to restrain a drunk and naked Affleck.
“Sometimes Ben likes to sing to Seraphina after I feed her. It helps with naptime,” Garner nervously told reporters.
Witnesses claim that Affleck was singing, “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…” to the infant, who continued suckling his nipple as he danced wildly around the house, deranged from a day’s worth of booze and drugs.
But the couple’s problems only increased after police pried the child from her father’s bosom.
“It seems that Mr. Affleck lost the baby to Vietnamese slave traders during a poker game. That’s outside our jurisdiction, so we had to hand the baby over to her new owners,” one officer told the press.
Ben Affleck has admitted to a gambling addiction in the past. On the bright side, this story has distracted the press from covering Affleck’s new “movie” and almost guarantees his absence from the forthcoming Sundance Festival, much to delight of film lovers everywhere.