Chrystal Ball, self-proclaimed Psychic to the Stars has just released her predictions for the upcoming year in the entertainment industry. “Keep this list handy,” cooed Chrystal, “because you are going to have shivers running up and down your body when all my predictions come true.” Here are her top ten predictions for 2010:
1. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas are teaming up yet again to make a movie that is so big it will not be able to be shown in any movie theatre. It will have to be shown holographically into the atmosphere. Since, hypothetically speaking, it will be visible by anyone whether they buy a ticket to view it or not, Spielberg and Lucas will ask President Obama to force all Americans to purchase the ticket with an expected price tag of $24.95 adults, $23.95 children, and $12.95 seniors. Legislators will be exempt from having to purchasing a ticket.
2. Rosie O’Donnell is coming out with a book entitled “Madonna Was My Love Slave.” Unfortunately, nothing in the book will be substantiated and O’Donnell will be labeled a liar. However, during the last quarter of the year, a tearful Madonna will go public with the admission that O’Donnell was, in fact, telling the truth.
3. Rosie O’Donnell will make the headlines again when she is mistaken as an Al Qaida operative and arrested for questioning. Although the misunderstanding is quickly cleared up, upon release, Rosie issues a statement that she is no longer taking male hormones and will try one last-ditch effort to act more like a lady.
4. Michael Jackson’s father, Joe Jackson, having gone through all of the money left behind by Michael Jackson, convinces a Los Angeles County Judge to allow him to adopt a 6-year old child prodigy for purposes of turning him into another singing sensation. Protesters are outraged but back down when they see how cute the child looks in an afro and suede fringed vest.
5. Adam Lambert continues to face cancellations by major networks for upcoming appearances and is forced to take a job reprising the role made famous by Paul Reubens. The “New Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” starring Adam Lambert will premiere on the USA channel on April 1, 2010.
6. Patti LaBelle sues Lady Gaga for copyright infringement. At issue is Lady Gaga’s re-recording of LaBelle’s “Lady Marmalade” wherein the lyrics are changed from “Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da
Gitchi gitchi ya ya here,mocha chocolata, ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade” to “Gitchi gitchi ya ya Ga Ga, Gitchi gitchi Ga Ga here, I am so Vanilla mama, Gotcha Lady Gaga right here.”
7. In an ironic twist of fate, Michael Vicks is mauled by several pit bulls outside an exclusive St. Louis BBQ pit, while waiting for the valet to bring his car around. He is rushed to the hospital where he receives dozens of stitches and is forced to undergo painful rabies injections.
8. Levi Johnston releases his memoirs covering the short span of time that he was involved with Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol. Sarah Palin goes on the defense when it is implied in the book that instead of being a mama bear, Palin acts more like a mama cougar, and Johnston is forced to put a lock on his bedroom door from the inside.
9. Susan Boyle announces engagement to 29-year old Guillermo Pazzoli from Italy. Knowing he is just in the relationship for the fame and money doesn’t faze Boyle as she lavishes her “boy toy” with expensive gifts and purchases a love nest for the two of them on the Isle of Capri.
10. Still stewing over the dissing by Kanye West at the VMA awards, Taylor Swift negotiates a deal to purchase the copyright to West’s hit song “Heartless” and records a country version of the single. Swift’s version wins “Best Song of the Year” award at the Grammys.
*Tiger Woods was purposefully left out of this article due to the fact that while trying to channel the predictions surrounding Woods, Chrystal Ball suffered serious psychic injuries as a result of TMI (Too Much Information).