It was announced by Clarence House this week that as part of the 30th anniversary celebrations for The Prince’s Trust, HRH Prince Charles, and sons Wills and Harry will demean their Royal dignity to a fresh low in being interviewed by the oafish TV double-act of stand-up Geordie tossers – Ant and Dec.
While most readers of the Glossy News will be vaguely familiar with members of the UK’s scrounging Royal family and their associate inbred aristocratic parasites, many have e-mailed the news desk asking “Ant and Dec…what the fuck are they?” – and quite rightly too as the hapless pair themselves don’t even know which one is which.
Rumour has it that Ant (short for Antonia) is the one with eyes like pissholes in the snow and the taller of the two – even without his slingback stiletto heels -while Dec (short for December – his birth month) is blighted with ears like a taxi with both back doors open and more teeth than a piranha.
So, for the edification of readers, a concise bio’.
The Tyneside-sprouted pair first came together at a Newcastle unemployment centre where Ant, an apprentice tortoise polisher, and Dec, a cuckoo clock impersonator, had staff in fits of raucous laughter with their reasons for claiming jobseekers allowance.
Recounted staff member Ms. Candida Twatrot, “They were so funny we were all pissin’ ourselves. Eventually the supervisor said they should be on television and gave them ITV’s address and phone number.”
After a couple of screen tests and a make-over the pair emerged with hair styles like microwaved Mohican porcupines and a slot on prime TV’s children’s drama series Dogger’s Grove, in which they played the sexual voyeur squirrels Mump and Slut.
Next came Pop Idol, which proved a partial success regardless of critics lambasting the pair as dog wankers and as funny as chemotherapy.
Their big break, Saturday Night Takeaway Spewup, eventually had to be pulled after viewers committed suicide while watching the broadcasts.
But popular success was assured when the pair hosted Reality TV’s “I’m a Celebrity, Shoot Me Quick and Put the Viewers Out of Their Fucking Misery!”
The programme featured has-been celebrities subjected to all kinds of asinine torments, usually naked, in the Tyneside Outback, which delighted the viewing public’s perverted sense of solid family entertainment.
One favourite spot in the series was the Bushtucker segment where each contestant had to stick their heads into a bucket of festering pheasant shiit to retrieve their lunch, specifically a pickled pigeon’s prostate, all the while being heckled and cajoled by Ant and Dec, and poked with sharp sticks.
The Geordie Gang of Two, often mistaken for Ant and Duck, have recently published their joint autobiography, ghost-written by Casper Publishing’s talented Jemima Puddlefuck and titled “Ooh! What a Pair of Likely Poofters – Our Story” which, at a massive 65 pages in hardback, is on the bookshelves at £20 per copy and includes a heavy duty barf bag to throw up in while reading.
Unfortunately since the scheduled ‘Royals’ interviewer David Dimbleby was ‘rough and tumbled’ by a bovine beast suffering Bonkers Bull Disease at his Smegmashire farm last week and remains hospitalised with a fractured ego, editorial staff at GlossyNews.com offer their sincerest condolences to Their Royal Highnesses that someone of a more acknowledged academic or political background – and with two braincells to rub together – such as Sir David Frost or even Andrew “Bat Ears” Marr – are not available to conduct The Prince’s Trust Anniversary interview.
Conversely the disastrous double act have been forewarned by the Clarence House Royal Equerry Sir Jarvis McTwatte that during the interview they should engage brains before opening their slack gobs and resist any reference to Prince Harry as ‘Mister Hewitt’ – or the Ginger Minger – or dare to make mention of ‘Royal Cuckoos’ – or other offhand comments such as “Hey, yer don’t ‘alf look like yer Dad – old Red Jimmy.”