Sharon Osbourne’s Reputation as Typical Bee-Hotch Unbroken

I’ve seen that Sharon Osbourne and wondered how much of the icy face we see is put on by MTV and how much of it is the machinations of her own inner demons. Between the erratic behavior on her American obscure end cable show and what I’ve learned from the likes of Ricky Gervais, I had to wonder, but when I finally got my screener copy of the BBC hidden camera show “Balls of Steel”, I knew for sure… that lady isn’t just crazy, she’s straight up evil, almost as if she’s trying to reinvent the very devil herself.

The first hints that things weren’t quite where they should be at least in her goofy head came from her absurd pseudo-reality celebrity exhibition “The Osbournes”, which for the 95% majority of readers unaware that such a show ever existed (you need to learn this for the sake of the story), it’s a juvenile mock reality romp exhibiting the horrific ways in which an aging rock star should never be allowed to raise his own children, no matter how thorough or deserved the beatings may be.

He’s sold more record than Jesus, which isn’t much of a tribute, since Jesus never went platinum. I’m not meaning to take Ozzy down a peg. Could you imagine the balls on any journalist trying to do that? His music admittedly isn’t my thing. He’s a tad before my time, but I know a legend when I see one, as do all of us, which is why he got his own show… the fact that the majority of his family was essentially required to be on the show is secondary at best.

Ozzy has two kids that appear on camera in that MTV show, and it’s a strange thing. Jack – the comic relief in an already pretty comical family – and Kelly, the Miss Piggy wannabee who has only slightly less singing talent than Frank Oz, save for the fact she doesn’t have a Kermy to kick around, unless you count all her unfortunate handlers.

The way Sharon dealt with these (poor? wonderful?) kids on their absurd mockumentary was something less than commendable, however mediocre the exhibit made for television viewing.

Viewers can forgive all that, assuming they understand that MTV doesn’t deal in reality TV these days any more than they deal in music television.

Kelly got an exceptional leg up in the industry as a potential spinoff to the Emmy award winning show bearing her father’s name, yet her music hasn’t had the traction it should have… she needs to strike out on her own, if you ask me. She’s a pretty fantastic character, no matter what previous paragraphs might have said, and not just because our editorial staff is comprised entirely of chubby-chasers.

American viewers may more recently know that Sharon Osbourne has a Jerry Springer-styled talk show, and not because anyone watches it (the ratings are quite poor even for high number cable channels,) but because it’s periodically lampooned on the brilliant entertainment satire show “The Soup”, masterfully hosted by Joel McHale.

It’s on The Soup that viewers get the rare opportunity to see Megan Hauserman (an invited guest on her show) after she criticized Sharon for being nothing more than a coat-tail rider to Ozzy’s legendary legend… so Sharon threw a glass of water on her, magically justifying it by saying that nobody messes with her family.

Unfortunately, even the poor folks in the trailers stuck home watching this lackluster excuse for basic cable programming recognize that nobody was impugning the dignity of the rock master himself, but rather the very shrew she is, and yet she maintains the brash audacity to throw the water in the first place.

Let’s not even discuss the fact that she threw the very same water trick following a disagreement with Simon Cowell. Perhaps water throwing is just her thing. At the very least it proves she isn’t a witch. Witches know better than to deal with glasses of water.

While we’re at it, we won’t talk about the throwing water incident with Louis Walsh on the X-Factor.

Sharon Ozbourne may douse her own guest, who was only doing what the backstage handlers told her to do – shake things up or you’re not getting your appearance fee – but the viewing public got to see yet another ounce of the real witch within… or is it without? Without what? Without a come back? Without a clue? Without a justifiable excuse to be a savage, mean, menopausal monster?

We’re not here to judge, only report what we research.

Then comes the Ricky Gervais matter. It was the final six of the X-Factor, and it was such a horrible situation, and one so shocking to Ricky Gervais that he dedicated a solid six minutes in the encore of his landmark “Fame” comedy tour to explaining it. You can look it up yourself on YouTube if you like or just click here (though you need to go on to the second half to get the whole gist.)

Chris Terrant, a famous presenter and host of the UK version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire,” and apparently an old friend of Ozzy’s stood up to ask Sharon a fun, complimentary question about his old buddy during the commercial break. He only got as far as to say, “You obviously married a very intelligent, articulate man in Ozzy,” and rather than even hear the question, she cut him down summarily and made the world think him a jerk by saying “F*** you, Terrant,” adding, “No wonder your wife left you, you c***”, and all in the name of defending her husband.

Ozzy would have been paid due tribute by the question, had he just been permitted to ask it.

See how sometimes an ounce of fame can be too much?

The deal-sealer to me was when I saw the BBC show “Balls of Steel” in which the presenter went around and played various pranks on celebrities. Unlike other English A-listers who enjoyed the joke as often as not, Sharon was so bitter and angry that she found a bucket, took the time away from the red carpet to fill it with water, and destroyed a broadcast grade camera… and why? Because she’s defending her family? Because she didn’t have anything better to do? Or is it because she’s so in love with the very idea of herself that anyone wishing to play a joke had damn well better do it with her previously agreed upon permission?

Take a look at the attitude Kelly puts out on “Punk’d” when Ashton Kutcher (a self-made media mogul media, I might add) tries to have a bit of fun. Kelly resorts without hesitation to language many might not even use in the company of sailors, and I don’t fault her for it. She was raised by a powerful female figure, and she’s doing a bang-up job of emulating her, even to the extreme detriment of her own career.

Bill Maher put it adeptly in his New Rules segment last year when speaking about reality show celebrities, and no matter who she’s married to, it’s plain that this is what she is, once you’re eliminated, you can’t say “you haven’t seen the last of me,” because your fifteen minutes of fame has expired, and we know because timed it on Flava-Flav’s clock.

So let’s put this Sharon business to bed and let her relegate herself to the annals and anals of whatever it was the real celebrity saw in her in the first place, which I assume goes back to the anal business, though another leading quality in rock star wives in the ability to stay out of the limelight, and in that regard at least, she’s failing as miserably as she’s failed in every other media endeavor she’s attempted.

And to Jack: keep up the good fight. To Kelly, remember your mom isn’t the end all be all in life, and she’s only a role model if you want to live in your father’s shadow. Jolie didn’t take her famous dad’s name, neither did Estevez and a huge number of other celebrity juniors, so if you want to be taken seriously, strut your stuff and show your talent… or just ride on the celebreality coat tails and call that a career. It will pay you a lifetime of respectable royalties, but you’ll never win an award… Don’t you deserve an award?

But as for Sharon? Well, that joke without a punch line is best put to bed.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.