Culkin So High, Didn’t Know He Was in Oklahoma

Macaulay Culkin, long the idol of Jacksonian worship, has reached new highs in his career and physiology this week with his drug arrest in, of all places, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Culkin made no comment about his star-turned-felon status which put him in the illustrious company of OJ, Zsa-Zsa and Kimberly from Diff’rent Strokes.

Culkin was arrested following a routine traffic stop. When it was discovered that he and his driver, Mr. Tabisel, were errant citizens of New York city, the vehicle and all occupants were searched for illicit drugs. According to officers, no warrant was needed for the search due to questionable comments and pressure applied by the officer.

“No one from New York comes here except feds and and people so drugged out they don’t know where they are,” said arresting officer Lance Truman, “and we knew these guys ain’t feds.”

Police confiscated over 17 grams of marijuana and numerous Xanex and Clonezapam pills for which Culkin nor his driver had prescriptions.

Looking good, my friend, looking mighty damn good
Looking good, my friend, looking mighty damn good
Culkin was reportedly held in the Oklahoma County jail for almost four hours. Culkin was only able to post bail once all of his Chuckie Cheese game tokens had been exchanged for cash. “Four grand is nothing,” said Culkin. “I paid more than that for my [drugs], I mean, that is, I would have if they were mine, which they weren’t.”

If lopsidedness is glory then Culkin’s booking photo speaks volumes for his greatness.
“I was following up on character research for my role in (the 2003 film) Party Monster, where I just play a drug addict. I can’t expect frontiersman like the Oklahomans to understand it,” said Culkin from an undisclosed opium den.

True to criminal celebrity form, he lacked a hair and makeup crew prior to booking and looked “just awful”. One booking clerk went as far as to say “more ghastly than he does on TV.”

Publicist Michelle Bega had declined to comment to reporters, but was overheard telling a friend “this is great… the best thing he’s done since playing Richie Rich opposite that Steve Forbes look-a-like guy.”

Hollywood insiders report that Culkin is riding his resurrected wave of fame and already planning to star in “Home Alone 4”, co-starring Robert Downey Jr., Sean Penn, Nick Nolte and fellow former child star, Edward Furlong. No release date has yet been released.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.