Saruman Channels Trump: ‘The Elves and Sauron are Just as Bad as Each Other’

Pale male master wizard and leader of the Free World Saruman the White has recently come out swinging about the shameless partisanship of the recent Minas Tirith massacre.

Look, everybody…

He says in his sardonic Somerset drawl:

There’s a lot of hate in this country.

It didn’t start with Lord Sauron, and it didn’t start with the elves.

A lot of hate.

Didn’t start with the treason of Numenor, or the expulsion of Lord Sauron, or with the cutting down of the Two Trees, or the mutilation of Morgoth.


People have been hating in Middle Earth for so long.

But when you truly love the Valar and Emperor Morgoth alike, there is no more room in your heart for hate.

The Elves and the Orcs ought to stop fighting and settle their differences like good citizens of Middle Earth, in the spirit of noble wizard’s charity.

People fighting each other, hating each other…

No respect! Sad!

You see, when you really open your heart to the power of my wizardry, there is no more room for hate.

And love.

And any other unnecessary and superfluous emotions and thoughts.

This is the root of the Middle-Earth Carnage, and it has to stop.

Oh by the way:

You know, the Elves, they are flooding across the border to Mordor, and they aren’t giving their best.

Nonetheless, some of them (we have grounds to suppose) are good people.

But first, they have to be brought to heel!

Hee hee hee HEEEEEEEEEE!

Neither the elves nor the orcs have received this speech particularly kindly.

Still, rumor has it Saruman intends to become ‘Saruman the Orange,’ in order to pander to at least one of his core demographics.


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