Office Of Homeland Security,
Washington, D.C.
To the Editor Brian K. White,
In the latest Wikileaks exposure, a document has been released that we find to be very disturbing. It is a missive sent via what are supposed to be classified channels from one of your ‘staff’, a Mr. Rfreed, to the Republican spokeswoman Sarah Palin.
We would like to get more information on this individual from you as it appears that in the past he has written a large number of questionable and possibly treasonous articles for your website Glossy News. Your full cooperation would be appreciated and is expected.
The following is the copy of the letter that is in question:
10/24/2010
Dearest and most Respectable Governor Palin,
This humble servant again approaches and kneels before your Majesty with news that I hope will please and condole you. I have been steadfast in the works put before me by yourself and Lord Murdoch that will hopefully blossom into fruitfulness in the coming months.
I have been successful in my infiltration of a number of liberal oriented humor sites and have been filling them with biased offal that will undermine their effort. My consequent spying has filled my notebook with information that our Glorious Prophet Murdoch will surely find useful. My only wish is that it will further my Lady’s vision to become the Great Leader of this country and fulfill her dream of bringing this Great Nation under the control of our Homeland Alaska.
Once you, wondrous Patriot Palin, have succeeded in bringing our Heimat Alaska and yourself to their proper place at the forefront of a world overseen by the guiding hand of Our Benevolent Master Murdoch, then I know I have done my job and can die peacefully. If the small tokens of my efforts in any way help to bring about bringing the rest of America under the umbrella of the New Zion of Alaska, then I will feel deserving of your attentions. I can only kneel before you and ask to kiss your lovely hand, Queen Palin and to ask to be worthy to someday touch the hem of the clothing of Grand Master Murdoch.
My quest is never ending!
Your most humble servant, Rfreed
As you can see from this missive, Mr. White, there is a very disgruntling element to it. The fact that efforts are being made to bring America under the sphere of the state of Alaska and not under Mr. Murdoch directly has us worried.
We would greatly appreciate it if you would turn over any and all information, photos, emails, dirty jokes, pornographic pictures, known fetishes and evidences of bestiality that you have on Mr. Rfreed promptly. We wish for this situation to be dealt with swiftly and it would be of great help to us to get this information immediately.
It is urged that you comply. You have surely noticed how the plug was pulled on Wikileaks by Sweden. The same can be done to other sites. Sweden is now a subsidiary of ours. Let that be food for thought to you.
With regards,
Johnathon Thumbscrews,
Liberal Media Division,
Homeland Security
35? You crazy kids!
Hey guys! Go easy on the subject please! I’m sensitive about it.
She was cute, fluffy. I couldn’t help myself.
You know the crazy things you do when you are young.
I think I was about 35 at the time.
So the magic word is “ostrich”. Ok, you’re on.
I promise to work ostrich into a story very soon!
The ostrich????
OK LB. Just for God’s sake don’t send Homeland Security any of the pictures of me and the ostrich.
Rfreed, of course your satire is more direct advocacy than mine, however?
I see a bit of true genius shining out from under the anti-Palin/Murdoch gag. May I have your permission to exploit the implied joke?
That is worrisome. We should distance ourselves from your embarassing disclosure, rfreed. I sincerely hope you learn from your indiscrecions. And please forget that knock-knock joke I cabled you about Prince Charles: “Knock, knock”, “Who’s there?” “Holy crap, the peasants are stoning the limo!”