Palin Stealth-Launches 2018 Campaign w/ Tween Biography

It seems Sarah Palin is looking to expand her approval among likely voters by looking in an unlikely place; the not-too-distant future. If she can dominate the emerging evangelist demographic, it may be enough to just push the vote, and indeed the country, over the cliff.

“Speaking Up: The Sarah Palin Story,” the biography of the self-described “mama grizzly”, aimed at 9- to 12-year-old readers, is set for release in September by Christian book publisher Zondervan.

Although the biography is described as “unauthorized”, Palin also described her interview with Katie Couric in the same terms. Since Palin and the Christian book publisher are both praying to the same God and acting only on His will, the publishers feel the book can fairly be considered “authorized”, if only by God almighty.

Author Kim Washburn said she was “struck by Palin’s work ethic,” since it so closely resembles that of children. Five different colleges to get a four-year degree and quiting every job she’s ever had could be described as a short-attention, self-centered way to go through life, much the way a child does.

Reports say the book begins with Palin’s childhood in Alaska, and shows that “with guts, character, determination and unwavering faith in God, even an ordinary person can change the world,” though it’s not expected to go in to detail about whether that change is for the better.

The admission that Sarah Palin is “ordinary” at best is no problem for future voters. Since tweens share Palin’s inability to compose a proper sentence, it is hoped that the entire campaign can be conducted via Twitter and Facebook.

Technology trend-spotter Jordan Mofarge from Tekneek Blog thinks this will be a boon for her campaign. “Not only is it cheap enough that she can still afford her wardrobe, it’s a hugely powerful tool for her. Twittering Tweets like ‘death panels’ shows the power of the Twat.”

“An unwavering faith in God is critical,” explained Republican campaign strategist Rock Grassley. “She’s going to have to rely heavily on the faith-based community, eager to believe anything they’re told, rather than count on any votes from the fact-based community.” Most of the audience nodded in agreement with Grassley’s comments.

Requests for any comment from Mrs. Palin’s handlers have gone unanswered as of the time of going to press, as they have since 2009.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.