WASHINGTON, DC– Today, President Trump announced that he would declare war on the Islamic Republic of Iran in an effort to prove his dedication to and reverence of the US military, following accusations that he repeatedly maligning dead soldiers. Under pressure from a fierce wave of bipartisan backlash, the President announced that he felt he had “no other choice” but to reaffirm his commitment to America’s military by unnecessarily dragging soldiers into another bloody conflict, “just like [his] predecessors.” Trump noted that he was considering naming the war after the late senator and stalwart proponent military conflict with Iran John McCain. “We never quite saw eye to eye on war and peace,” Trump told the press, “but nevertheless, I always admired his dedication to waging perpetual warfare, very honorable. I hope he’s smiling as he looks up and sees his dream of bombing Iran come to fruition.”
Trump also called for unity and bipartisanship, stating that “it is important for us to come together as Americans and put our differences aside so that we can, once again, launch an offensive campaign against a sovereign nation that never attacked us for the benefit of corporate interests.” Afterward, Secretary of Defense Mark Esper asserted that this war would ultimately bring peace to the middle east, saying the humanitarian crisis resulting from Tehran’s planned obliteration would create a thriving, stable democracy on par with Denmark and Sweden. “The coup in the fifties went south, but intervention will seriously work this time,” reassured Sec. Esper, stifling a fit of giggles, “for relasies! I pinky promise!”
The announcement was met with mixed reviews from the Democratic Party. Democratic leadership stated they were conditionally on board with the proposal so long as Trump appointed an LGBTQ person of color to spearhead the invasion and ensured America that women would be given an equal opportunity to die for the profits of oil companies. Meanwhile, Senators Bernie Sanders and Rand Paul lead a mass self-immolation of congress’s progressive and libertarian-constitutionalist wings after ominously telling their supporters “abandon all hope, ye who enter politics.”
In response to Trump’s declaration of war, Democratic Party presidential nominee Joe Biden lashed out at the president, calling him a “two-faced coward” for flip-flopping on his campaign rhetoric of vowing to end the so-called “endless wars” only after allegations of anti-military comments made by him surfaced. Biden remarked, “the Liar-in-Chief is once again scrambling to save face, attempting to make up for four years of mediocre foreign policy blunders and zero new conflicts abroad. Come this November, I implore the American people to choose a proven-war hawk they can really trust. One who will come out of office caked in the blood of dead Middle Easterners and American soldiers alike.” Biden also let his supporters know that, if elected, he would start “at least four new wars, or maybe a bigger number like one-and-a-half.”
The CBO estimates that for every life lost in a war with Iran, the Military Industrial Complex will make approximately $2.3 million.