2020’s quarantine season has revealed that there exist two types of individuals: those who have become ultra-productive, superhuman accomplishers during quarantine and human beings who don’t have access to gratuitous amounts of ketamine. While some remarkable individuals have cleaned their homes, assisted their children with online education, earned a Michelin star, discovered a way to eradicate the herpes simplex virus, and raised Gahndi from the dead all in under a week, the lot of humanity seems to have achieved little more than their BMI and depression. Regardless of what any of us have or have not accomplished, COVID-19 restrictions grind down everyone’s nerves just a smidge day after day. At some point, perhaps in a couple of months, perhaps yesterday, you’ll reach a breaking point and become so fed up with quarantine that you may feel as if no actvity done within the confines of a lockdown setting will sufficiently entertain you. However, oh ye of little patience, fear not, for though you may have run out of Netflix series to binge on and quarantini recipes to try, a new list of fun quarantine activities and tasks to do when you’re on the brink of psychological collapse now exists! Take a gander:
Observe the sun with a magnifying glass.
Frolic in traffic.
Try the old “Kick n’ lick” tactic with a few fire ant hills (bonus points if they’re doused in gasoline and set alight).
Use every method of communication to send hundreds of messages to Taylor Swift, asking for her hand in marriage.
Snort fiberglass dust.
Ignore Taylor Swift’s cease and desist letters.
Call Poison Control after ingesting copious amounts of nutmeg and defy their orders and recommendations by screaming “YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!” into the phone multiple times.
Freeze, melt, and subsequently refreeze homemade mayonnaise popsicles.
Ignore Taylor Swift’s restraining order and visit her home, disguised as her long lost twin, Tyler Swift.
Run through a local assisted living facility for veterans screaming “Viet Cong! Viet Cong!”
Publicly affirm you’re denial of the existence of the state of Wyoming.
Practice whispering the word moist in the children’s section of a nearby library.
Order fried chicken to be delivered to you’re house, answer the door dressed as a chicken, and begin crying and screaming hysterically at the delivery person, implying that this was a sick joke set up by the restaurant itself.
Break into a blind person’s home and replace their seeing-eye dog with a hyperactive, rabid raccoon.
Print out and laminate business cards labeled “CERTIFIED CLOWN LICENSE” and hand them out to men leaving Victoria’s Secret.
Mail packets of talcum powder to government agencies such as the Federal Bureau of Investigation; the Central Intelligence Agency; and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives. Ensure to put winky faces on the backs of all the envelopes.
Douse entire chest with vodka and promptly cheese grate nipples.
Apply for a job at a payday lender and attend interview dressed as a shark.
Concoct a plan to illegally smuggle authentic, high-grade Canadian Kinder Eggs into the US and establish a Kinder Egg Cartel.