Trumpisms 10.0 by Richard Seltzer


Satan is a great composer.

His sin-phonies are epic.

Especially his Trumplandia in B Flat Minor.


Millions of teenagers

are now having a premature

senior moment —

their gradu-wait-ion ceremony.


An apt quote from Oliver Wendell Holmes:

“We have a special mask we wear for each friend.”

How long will it be before that’s the basis

for an online business?


Legally, what happens when you break a stay-at-home order?

The police show up with a search quarant.


The virus spreads through the air,

especially through speech.

So as part of the effort to go back to “normal”

we should all learn sign language

and take lessons from mimes.


Trump and Barr believe in

the Tool of Law —

using the law as a weapon

against their enemies.


Politics —

the nation’s pisstime.


News flash —

Cyanide prevents coronavirus.

If you’re dead, you can’t get infected.

Somebody please tell Trump and Pence.


In recognition of Trump’s

medical acumen,

McDonald’s should rename

the Big Mac

the Big Quack.


Trump just won

an Obie,

for his convincing Off-Broadway performance

as a morbidly obese zombie.


Trump must be a mammal.

He totally sucks.


Like the eagle,

Trump deserves respect,

as the national bird brain.


Trump unmasked.

Everything we need to know

we learned in nursery rhyme school.

His name is Trumpelstiltskin.


“My God! This is a nightmare!”

“No. It’s a nightstallion. That’s far worst.”

“Then geld him. Quick!”


William Barr is in charge of

the Department of Just-is-fication,

defending what just is

and turning justice into fiction,

a novel idea.


Trump just lost lots of supporters

who are passionately against contraception.

They heard he supports the use rubber bullets.


I believe Trump will be gone before November.

A friend of mine laments that Pence would be worse.

I told him,

“You’re incorrigible.

And in times like these we need lots of corrige.”


What does Pence think?

Does Pence think?

In times of crisis, his voice is like the sound of a tree falling in a forest when there is no one around to hear it.


Trump depends on his base.

He caters to his base.

He is totally base,

the lowest of the low.


Trump believes in freedom.

Freedom from knowledge.

Freedom from morals.

He loves being both free and dumb.


“I’m glad you are wearing a mask,

but why only one glove?”

Like the government,

my left hand doesn’t know

what my right hand is doing.


I’m sure Trump had the needs of the people in mind

when he built a new Wailing Wall

around the White House

where citizens can leave

prayers for the salvation of the nation.


Due to the plague, 1593-1594 London theaters and large gatherings had to shut down (except church services.)

Sound familiar?

They also killed off cats and dogs, not realizing that rats spread the disease.

Rats are the problem today, too —

the infestation of rats in the White House.


Transformational thinking —

paper ballot

becomes pay per ballot

a new tax.

I wouldn’t put it past him.


Plausible rumor ripe for spreading —

Trump wants to rename the White House,

the White Man’s House.


Trump has lost all credibility even with his own base.

He went into the bunker and then came out of it.

He’s totally debunked.


Trump is a professional poll dancer.

But soon he will be stripped of his power.


How many polls does it take to change a president?

Just one.

In November.


Trump’s NDAs

are part of his

don’t mask

don’t tell



There is no need for Tulsa attendees

to sign waivers asserting that they will not hold

the Trump campaign responsible

for anyone catching the virus at the rally.

By precedent, Trump has established that

he is totally irresponsible.


White lies matter.


I’m imagining a cartoon with Trump putting a lighter to the Constitution and saying, “You’re fired!”


Fake news —

Trump blames TV networks for

the spread of cornonavirus,

because they’re common carriers.


The favorite drink of the healthconscious —



Do Catholics wear massks?


Coronavirus is airborne and goes much farther than six feet when you talk or sing or cough or when the wind blows.

I suspect that insects are the only creatures for whom six feet is enough.


After Trump’s finances and resignation

the best news will be the ex-pence report.


Trump is certainly well informed about the greatest threat this country faces,

since he himself is that threat.


Classes offered in

how to be a curmudgeon

how to become such an ornery bastard

that no one will want to be near you.

The surest, safest way to social distance.



Trump probably made up that statistic on the fly,

inspired by the muse medicine —


Long ago, he took the Hypocritical Oath.


Given Trump’s words and actions

and their consequences,

I wouldn’t be surprised

if he is collecting a bounty

for every American who dies of the pandemic,

with a bonus for school kids.

Author: Richard Seltzer

Now a publisher of electronic books, I worked for DEC, the minicomputer company, for 19 years, as writer, marketing consultant, and "Internet Evangelist." I graduated from Yale, with a major in English, and earned an MA from the U. of Mass. at Amherst in Comparative Literature (French, Russian, and German). At Yale, I had creative writing courses with Robert Penn Warren and Joseph Heller. Personal web site (with over 1000 documents) My published works include: The Name of Hero, historical novel (Houghton Mifflin) Ethiopia Through Russian Eyes, translation from the Russian (Red Sea Press) "...the most important book on the history of eastern Africa to have been published for a century...." Old Africa The Lizard of Oz satiric fantasy, "An intriguing and very entertaining little novel" Library Journal The AltaVista Search Revolution, the first consumer book about search engines (McGraw-Hill) "indispensable" Library Journal, Winner of the Distinguished Technical Communication Award, the highest award given by the Society for Technical Communication Publications. Web Business Bootcamp (Wiley) Complete list at Follow me on Twitter! @SeltzerBooks

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