HAMDEN, CT— Quinnipiac University released a poll early this morning showing that over 80% of Americans wouldn’t be comfortable with a President named Howie. The study, conducted in the wake of Howie Hawkins’ nomination as the Green Party’s candidate for president, notes that 76% of those surveyed would prefer suffering the seizure-inducing pain of shoving flamming chopsticks into their ear canals over hearing any political commentator say “President Howie” on national television. According to the data, America’s collective citizenry have a firm anti-Howie sentiment to such an extent that most Americans hold significantly more favorable opinions of rabid possums, Rickets, the sight of piles of dead infant hedgehogs, sickly rats, traffic citations, and even the idea of the insidious trifecta of “President Tekashi 69,” “Vice President Chuck from Students Opposing Speciesism,” and “Secretary of State Shkreli.”
“The people we surveyed are afraid we’d be a laughing stock on the world stage,” said the head scientist of the study Carl Cohen, who has spent years studying Howie Americans and the challenges they face in society. Cohen explained that America’s disdain for Howies “seems to stem from the fact that Americans tend to believe in many Howie stereotypes.” These stereotypes include the belief that the Howie population steals jobs from hard-working American Johns and Karens, the idea that Howies are promiscuous atheists who seduce the wives and daughters of non-Howie men, and that Howies are genetically predisposed to commit horrendous crimes such as operating an illegal lemonade stand, jaywalking, music piracy, and Kinder egg smuggling. Cohen noted that “men named Howie, in the eyes of the American public, just aren’t like the rest of us.” Cohen acknowledges that there have been a few Howies who have been elected to public office, but mentioned that they attempted to “hide their Howieness” and “assure Americans they weren’t like other Howies.” Previous studies have shown that in areas where Howies have been elected to office, anti-Howie hate crimes have skyrocketed and boys named Howie in local schools often started going by Howard, Hugardo, and H-dawg in an effort to save themselves from getting shoved in a locker or swirlied.
“Electing that chump named Grover brought us generations of shame,” remarked one swing state voter Cohen surveyed, “we’d never be able to recover from a Howie becoming President.” Another survey respondent remarked she would even vote for “Cheeto Hitler” over the Green Party nominee. When asked why she had decided not to cast her ballot for Hawkins, she replied, “the phrase ‘President Howie’ makes me want to cheese grate my nipples.” A plurality of those surveyed concur. 83% of participants agree with the statement, “I would never vote for a man with the same name as the teenage pervert down the street who watches neighborhood women get undressed in front of their bedroom windows.” Yet another respondent mentioned that he does not “serve their kind” at his restaurant, believing that they “need to go back to where they came from.” Cohen stated that most of the study’s participants believed Howie was a much more suitable name for an elderly gentleman who wears bowties and lives in a midwestern town you think your uncle mentioned passing through once or twice.