IF the Rich and Famous Had to Make Tough Choices Like the Rest of Us: How They Would Spend Government Covid-19 Stimulus Checks

IF rich and famous Americans, not used to direct handouts from the government (though used to indirect benefits such as whopping tax write-offs) received stimulus checks of up to $1200 like 83% of us, what would they have spent this “chump change” on to boost the economy and heed the call to recirculate the money? A sampling of choices from those who bless the fact each day that taxable income gets derived primarily from wages and not from exempted interest, dividends, and capital gains:

  • Anthony S. Fauci, M.D., NIAID Director: An Exotic Parrot

[Partner change at press conferences to repeat truth rather than begin with untruths]

  • Tom Brady, Tampa Bay Buc QB: Genuine Cuban Cigars

[Parting gift to Coach Belichick to emulate Bean-Town legend Red Auerbach after replaying Patriot wins]

  • Bernie Sanders, Senator and erstwhile Presidential Candidate: A Script of Avis Rentals

[Always enamored by the company’s iconic “We’re #2” slogan]

  • Ex- V.P. Joe Biden, Presumptive Democratic Nominee: A Vacation in Ukraine

[Accompanied by joke shirt with printed slogan, “Ukraine; You Saw; He Conquered”]

  • Taylor Swift, Singer-Songwriter: Mediation Sessions

[To use with Justin Bieber to end agent bullying spat]

  • Robert Mueller, Special Counsel for the United States Department of Justice / Trump Impeachment Hearings: Chiropractic Sessions

[Clearing obstruction: To straighten and strengthen backbone]

  • Jennifer Lopez, Star: Replica Hall of Fame Statue Present for A-Rod

[Steroid concerns block Hall’s invite – “His big bat alone gets him into my Hall”]

  • Mark Zuckerberg, Co-Founder/Chairman, Facebook: Designer Super-Sized Monopoly Game  

[Super-tech company names replace properties; Facebook take up entire side of board]

  • Chief Justice John Roberts: Enlarged, Gilded Copy of Article III of the Constitution about the Judiciary

[Judiciary as third arm of government rather than institution housing discordant, party-prejudiced judges  – A projected gift to him who spoke of “Obama judges”]

  • Andrew Friedman, President of Baseball Operations, Los Angeles Dodgers: Multiple Copies of Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics 

[Gift to entire Houston Astros’ organization — cheated Dodgers out of 2017 World Series]

  • Michael Atkinson, Fired Inspector General/ Trump Watchdog: The Apprentice; Set Souvenirs

[Popular TV show collector items, including recording bellowing, “Fire ‘em!”]

  • Robert De Niro, Actor / The Irishman: Illustrated Cover Copy: Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray

[“What’s a soul worth when you could look younger?”]

  • President Donald Trump: Gift Certificate, Panda Express

[“So that my great Chinese friends, conservative to the bone like me, know I love Chinamen”]

  • David Leach, The Strident Conservative: Virus Protective Plastic Mask – with Sword

[“Covid-19: Paving the way for the New World Order?”]

  • Elon Musk, “Space Cowboy”: A Completely Tricked-Out, Gas-Guzzling Humvee

[“For the Hell of it; check coming from my other two countries too?”]

  • Kimberly Guilfoyle, ex-Fox News host: Pitch Preparation to Agency for Killer Book Deal

[Gazillions awaiting ex-wife of California Governor, Fox host during that network’s harassment days, and current Donald Trump, Jr. partner]

  • Mick Cronin, U.C.L.A. Basketball Coach: U.S. Postage Stamp Booklets

[Wrote letter a day for a year to top point guard prospect Daishen Nix, who just declared for the Bruins. Will also help keep the U.S. Post Office in existence after Covid-19 shake-down]

  • Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House: A Batch of MAGA-Red Hats reading, “Mitch: Trump’s Bitch!”

[Gay bar patrons in S.F.’s Castro will love salute to the Senate Majority Leader & they’re 49er Red]

  • Spike Lee, Filmmaker: Private Bodyguard Services for One Night

[An usher to get to and from Madison Square Garden seat until James Dolan sells franchise]

  • Stormy Daniels/Actress, alleged Prexy Paramour: Statue of an Ass – A Gift

[“He called me Horse-face, but back at him with the perfect gift”]

  • Captain Brett Crozier, ex-Commander of the USS Theodore Roosevelt: A Bronze Anchor

[“A gift for Trump’s ex-acting Secretary of the Navy, Thomas Modly after he too went ‘anchors away’”]

  • Alex Trebek, Jeopardy host, publicly battling pancreatic cancer, plans to publish memoir a day before 80th birthday: A specially designed Amazon Alexa

[Not only a Canadian accent, but answers all questions in the form of a question]

Author: Ken Hogarty

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