Cenk Uygur: Extraordinary, Unprecedented Anti-Corporation Rant

Cenk Uygur: Extraordinary, Unprecedented Anti-Corporation Rant

A recent “virulent” rant by Cenk Uygur has gone “viral” on Youtube…
Oh, crap. Mere semantics again, isn’t it?Anyways, have a look at this transcript. Responses on a snail-card please.
Well, yeah, why not? After all highly eloquent and intellectually satisfying responses from Ted Nugent and Sarah Palin have already appeared…
So don’t be last in the race to the bottom.
Still, whatever you do, don’t laugh. This shit is serious.

***

Hey everybody, Ana’s not here today. Never mind. I mean, she’s pretty enough, all things considered…
But we’re broadcasting online now anyway, so we don’t really give a crap if a few thousand less of you tune in. Nope! No skin off my nose. Go on, bite me!
No, no, I’m not being sexist. I’m a Democrat. Sexism is not something Democrats do. Sexism is being unilaterally perpetrated by all those bigoted right-wing, anti-choice, anti-abortion homophobes.
You know, GOP, Libertarian Party, Libertarian non-parties, UK Labour Party, China, North Korea…
Oh, and by the way, check this: I’m gonna be serious.
Yeah, I mean, not that I wasn’t just being serious about stupid individualist free market fools who rely on inflammatory rhetoric to insult others, instead of engaging with them rationally. FLAMING IDIOTS!
…Well, here it is. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
Yes, you’ve guessed it. See, you guys are sharper than some.
Yes, that’s right. Our children are being cruelly and sneakily and even unjustifiably massacred by unaccountable, soulless, demonic, abstract forces.
WOOOOO!
Kinda spooky, huh?
“How so, my good friend Cenk,” I hear you say?
Well, have a guess.
Nope.
Yup! That’s right, you’re wrong.
Nope! No, keep your superstitious Pentecostal nonsense out of it.
Well, yeah… no, no Pentecostalism, alright?
I mean, Jesus was a 1st century pro-choice, pro-human rights, pro-gravity, pro-evolution, pro-Copernican, mainstream mathematics, environmentally-friendly, pro-health care, pro-humanitarian-interventionist, pro-polyamory, anti-corporate, gay marriage advocate who would have definitely voted Democrat if he’d only been allowed the chance.

But, well hey, as for the massacres; never mind all that stupid droning nonsense. I’m telling you now, Democrats do that too, so it’s a big deal, in the grand scheme of things.
OK, but listen to me now… seriously. Let me tell you something.
BURGERS.
That’s right!
Yes… these burgers: I mean, you don’t have to be a circle-jerking partisan of the Universal Global Soviet of Radically-Sinister Green Liberation to know that the empty, soulless, independent business corporations…
That have unilaterally taken over, co-opted and monopolised our previously perfectly public-spirited and benevolent food industry…
Well, I’m not gonna tell you what to think. Just look at this. Check this.
Well… Yeah. That right. YEAH! YOU SEE THAT PIC?
Oh. Oh. OHHH! Well EXCUSE me for being just THAT LITTLE BIT ANGRY ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO INNOCENT AMERICAN CITIZENS.
Yeah. Yeah…
You see that pic?
Well, you didn’t expect to see that did you?
Yes, that’s what a dead cow looks like.
Hah! Hm… Who’d’ve thought…
Well, hey… gonna hold my hands up here. Now, don’t get me wrong…
Yeah, I like a bit of beef, chicken, turkey, avocado, coconut water, organic, free-range Ibuprofen (only when I have a headache, of course! Well like right now, cause I’m so FLAMING ANGRY!…)
Well yeah, so hell, I’m as much of a foodie-fun-fanatic as anyone else. Now I don’t want you guys to think I’m just being really po-faced and:
“Oo, oo ooooo, oh dear, oh dear, ooo, somebody saaave me!!! Ooo, wooooo, that bad, nasty, humorless Cenk Uygur doesn’t see the funny side of what McDonalds are doing to our children; I’m gonna run off and tell my big daddy Rush Limbaugh or my other big daddies, George Bush Senior and Ronald Reagan, just because I don’t think Cenk Uygur is being nice to my corporation. Oh wahhhh, oh mommy… oh, it’s too hard to bear! Boo hoo hoooooo!”
Hah! Sorry… no sympathy!
Well hey… listen up. I’m gonna make you a deal. I’m not gonna tell you, you can’t have that burger.
I mean, hey… this is America, it’s a free country!
Well, technically it’s not, but you know what I mean…
Well, every time you eat a burger, just remember that the people…
Sorry, the evil, unaccountable, impersonal, soulless corporations who eat burgers are feeding you THIS…
Hah! You see? Well, when was the last time the stupid IDIOT flipping burgers at Wimpy’s gave you an hour-long lecture on what the hell they are putting into this crap?
And how many book-length disclaimers accompany the misleading short, snappy and misleadingly-phrased ads you see for these burgers?
I sure haven’t seen any, but maybe if YOU have, you’ll let me know. I’m not holding my breath.
By the way, I was just checking Wikipedia this morning (no, I swear this is not just some bullshit rhetorical device of an imagined scenario, in order to lull you into a false sense of homeland… um, “homely,” security)…
Well, I just looked at the articles. No info. So…
Do you really think this is a coincidence? I mean, either this is just some purely coincidental and random event whereby the Wikipedia articles on burgers and burger companies, for no apparent discernible reason whatsoever, don’t tell us us in excruciating, multi-volume detail, how terrible these crazy food entities are…
Well…
Or else the corporations are bribing their fellow corporations, and we’re supposed to believe that it’s not the case!
And that the people editing Wikipedia somehow made some kind informed, rational, and incredibly guileless and innocent choice not to put this stuff in!
“Oh, nooo, ooo, it’s not us, Cenk! Just a SHEER COIIIINCIDEEENCE! Tell all the folks out there we’re ACTUALLY not cynically colluding with Big Hamburgerism!”
Tough one, isn’t it? I’ve no idea.
Do you? I’ll leave that one with you.
Well, I think I know the answer, and you know what?
I guess you probably do too.
So, I’m gonna make you a deal. Right?
Yeah: if you’ve enough money, sue their asses for misinforming you.
Yup! Get a good consumer ambulance-chaser.
Yeah…. you know, a judge once pointed out in a lawsuit for a certain “notable fast food outlet” that their stuff:
“Posed mortal perils to social health that are not commonly known to the average illiterate and non-college educated, Fox News watching US citizen, of which the vast majority of our ignorant, bigoted and benighted nation is composed.”
Now, I wonder why that is? So you think corporations are people?
Well, what kind of a soulless, morally bankrupt, irredeemably corrupt “PERSON” would leave their customers” (sorry, innocent, ignorant, unwitting victims) ignorant of these little-known facts?
Oh, that’s right. “Self-interest.”
Yeaaahhh… That’s your answer to everything. You don’t care about Our Kids, you’re not bothered about Society, you’re indifferent to The Public Welfare of our citizens, and as for the The Greater Good…. well, that doesn’t ever register, right?
Nah! All you care about is… egotism.
Yeah, that’s right.
You call it “individualism.” But you know what? Yeah, that’s right…
The Little Guy doesn’t agree with you.
Yeah. You’ve ever talked to The Little Guy? You ever even wondered who he is? You ever asked him?
No. Thought not. Because you don’t care.
Simple as that. You just don’t care at all.
Well, listen up! WAKE UP! All because of your BIGOTED, FUNDAMENTALIST, FREE MARKET IDEOLOGY, billions of US citizens are starving every week!!!
500 million people a month losing jobs because of Romneycare?
Well, that’s nothing. That doesn’t even register on my scale, I’m telling you now.
By the way, did you know that McDonald’s once lost a lawsuit for sneakily hiding the fact that if you don’t take care with their hot coffees…
That you can ACTUALLY GET SCALDED?
I mean, have you ever been scalded?
Well, I’m telling you now, if you haven’t been, it’s a utterly horrendously traumatic experience.
You can’t even imagine. Utterly soul-destroying.
Devastating. Worse than absolutely anything you can imagine; worse than your very worstest of worst nightmares… I should know.
Yes, that’s right! I mean, I once saw a photo of someone who had an entire quarter cup green tea spilled on their wrist.
Well… I never knew someone’s skin could look so red and inflamed.
Well, do you think this kind of terrible tragedy only
happens in China? Green tea, huh?
No, I’m afraid not.
Well, NOOO, I am AFRAIIID NOOOT, my friend!
Well yeah…
Think again. It could happen to any one of you…
At least if these sleazy, morally bankrupt corporations have their way. That’s one thing for sure.
Now, I swear… look, you’re gonna say:
“This is just Cenk being Cenk, he’s full of his youthful ire and righteous indignation… he means well, but he’s not really getting it.”
NO! NO! Listen, listen, listen…
Yeah, you’re gonna talk back to me, you at least need to know the facts, right?
Yeah! Now listen up. I’ve spoken with The Little Guy. I know precisely what he thinks…
That’s right, he’s my best buddy. Hell, I practically am the little guy.
I mean, let me put it this way…
We’re all the little guy.
But guess what?

YOU ARE NOT HIM.
Got it? You’re not John Galt. You’re not George Washington. You’re not even Dinah Washington.
Nope! Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, not gonna play with you. That dog ain’t gonna run.
Anyway, I’m sick of this. You guys…
Yeah, so corrupt, you’re pissing me off. I just don’t to have to reason with you any longer.
I mean, thousands of online web videos, and ABC still haven’t given me a five hour daily slot.
Well, hey! Hugo Chavez, anyone?
Nah! That’s right! You people have no loyalty. Not a shred.
Yeah, for sure! Not ONE of you have petitioned a SINGLE major media station to host me.
You know what, you’re just despicable!
And you know what else? Those damn corrupt can do whatever they want to you.
Yup! Just about done with this shit. No skin off my nose, huh?

Psst. BY THE WAY, ABC have shares in McDonalds…
But then again, that’s entirely irrelevant to everything we’ve just discussed.

***

Originally published on The Spoof: Part I and Part II.
Image attribution:
By Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America – Cenk Uygur, CC BY-SA 2.0, Link

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