The Biggest Boozer Tossed After Two Episodes

It’s official: the Biggest Boozer has been canceled. This whale puke of a summer replacement only made two pilot episodes before producers mercifully pulled the plug.

“We know the contract says you get paid for 6 episodes. Just take the money and stop filming this crap!” screamed one producer during negotiations for a permanent spot in the fall line-up.

The series creator, Kilroy Kovacs, Jr., threatened to sue the network for “premature cancellation” of the contract claiming the network never gave the show time to gel with the audience. “It’s like watching only the first two minutes of a porn flick. You’ve got to give it at least three minutes to get to the action,” said Kilroy.

Kilroy has submitted an overview of the two pilot episodes to an independent reviewer in hopes of finding another home for the show. “We’re hoping the Oprah Winfrey network will pick it up just to fill up time,” admitted Kilroy.

“Hell, we’ll even let Tyler Perry come on as a ringer!” Rumors of negotiations between the show’s creator and Lindsay Lohan were quickly dismissed. “There are no plans to bring Lohan on the show. Those are amateur boozers, she’s a professional,” clarified Kilroy.

In the pilot episode, 12 hardcore alcoholics referred to only by nickname (since no one is going to remember their real names 5 minutes after the show is over anyway), compete for $50,000 in petty cash and prizes. Their names submitted by former family and friends, these unlucky people have the pleasure of going through alcohol withdrawal in front of an entire viewing public.

While, watching a person go through DTs is amusing for only about 30 seconds, this show adds a new dimension to the process. Besides the frayed nerves and socially retarded group dynamics, each week a person is voted out of the house by the rest of the “end-of-their-rope” cast. Immunity can be gained, however, in a last-person-standing, no-holds-barred drinking contest.

Week 1: Character Introduction—“Barfly” makes everyone in the house miserable with her constant bitching until a distraught “Tears for Beers” depresses the hell out of her and leaves her speechless. “Biker Guy” lifts weights in the yard trying to distract himself from the boredom of sobriety as “Mean Drunk Guy” harasses the other contestants in the guise of ‘just joking’.

“Easy/Sleazy” works on seducing the male contestants, hoping to garner favor later on in the competition while, “Silent Scary Guy” spends his time on the back porch silently whittling stakes for his tiger trap. “Homeless Dude” attempts fermentation of grass cuttings and lighter fluid with limited success. “UpChuck” and ‘Smarmy Girl” decline to participate in the drama and become the first targets of “Mean Drunk Guy” after “Beer Goggles” tells him he thinks “Smary Girl” is kinda cute.

In the drinking competition, “Biker Guy” takes an early lead as the other players start passing out after 12 shots of rum 151, but is disqualified for artificially inducing “Mean Drunk Guy’s” unconsciousness. A replay of the competition reveals “Biker Guy” smashing a bottle of Jack Daniels over “Mean Drunk Guy’s” head and screaming, “You’re out now, asshole!!!” The housemates narrowly vote out “Barfly” over “Tears for Beers”. “Mean Drunk Guy” will be informed of his immunity when he wakes up next week.

Week 2: The Conflict–“Easy/Sleazy” comes onto “Homeless Dude” in hopes of bumming some homemade booze as the grass shavings start to ferment nicely. “Biker Guy” and “Tears for Beers” team up to convince other contestants to evict “Mean Drunk Guy”. “Upchuck” goes missing after bringing up “Mean Drunk Guy’s” missing time and suggesting “Biker Guy” is the biggest threat. He is later found unconscious in “Silent Scary Guy’s” tiger pit and discovered to be missing time himself. “Smarmy Girl” attempts to help “Tears For Beers” through his withdrawals, drawing the ire of “Mean Drunk Guy”.

In the final drinking competition, Fuzzy Navels are the beverage to beat, and “Easy/Sleazy” takes an early leads as both “Biker Guy” and “Mean Drunk Guy” are disqualified for projectile vomiting after a single drink. “Beer Goggles “ holds his own against “Smarmy Girl” and “Easy/Sleazy” while “Tears for Beers” has a diabetic reaction and is forced to concede.

“Homeless Dude” secretly stashes the peach Schnapps to adulterate his own brew. But, in a sharp reversal, “Scary Silent Guy” surges past the other contestants and takes the lead, barely holding off “Easy/Sleazy” after “Upchuck” pukes his guts out on “Smarmy Girls” shoes, creating a cascading bout of vomiting among the remaining contestants.

But, “Easy/Sleazy’s” seductive charm takes its toll on “Silent Scary Guy” who agrees to give in for a lock of “Sleazy’s” hair. “Easy/Sleazy” wins immunity and the other contestants vote to evict “Biker Guy”, who threatens to kill them all once they’re on the outside. The show’s bouncers come on camera to escort him off the set. And that’s when the fight started…

It was at this point that “production difficulties” made it impossible to continue to film the reality show. Unable to cover productions costs, the remaining contestants were forced from the Booze House pleading for their lives. But, Kilroy has great confidence that he can get the show’s formula to work with the right financial backing. “I’ve got low overhead and high distribution potential,” explained Kilroy. “As long as there are boozers with TVs, I’ll always have an audience, and the contestants work for free.”

Author: Kilroy

Deceased and recently reanimated writer haunting websites worldwide. The Afterlife has no cable TV so I initially came back as one of the Writing Dead on the Internet. But you can literally starve looking for brains to eat on some sites. Lost and disillusioned in the Netherworld, I wandered in limbo looking for meaningful work. I worked on Bernie Sander's campaign as a ghost writer until I was approached by The Sith and reanimated as a Sith Writer. Sure they could use a better dental plan but I 'm back, in black, and dressed for Sithcess.

7 thoughts on “The Biggest Boozer Tossed After Two Episodes

  1. Where’s Snooki in this line-up? I suggest a celebrity line of Biggest Boozers: Sheen, Snooki, and of course, Busey after he falls off the wagon again.

  2. Ooooo, you got the old “3S” (Starfish Sucker Syndrome)? Bad deal. It’s tough to explain that hickey away to your girlfriend after you come back from spring break. I’ve found a lot of sunscreen just increases the vacuum lock.

  3. Oh, that wasn’t the end of it.
    Then she got a suction lock on the back of my neck and I couldn’t get her off.
    I had to walk around with her on my shoulders all day until she passed out, her ‘muscles’ relaxed and she fell off.

  4. Ah, the carefree days of college when all it took was a little urine to cure back acne.

  5. Have you ever had an experience like the poor guys in this picture?
    I have.
    I started to feel this warm, wet sensation on my neck.
    I had to take her beer away, she had obviously had enough.

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