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Palin and Bachman Go Mano-A-Mano in Nude Mud Wrestling Fundraiser

Palin and Bachman Go Mano-A-Mano in Nude Mud Wrestling Fundraiser

Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman bared all in a girl’s all-nude wrestling match to raise money for the Republican Party’s ‘Go For The Gold’ Presidential race. The girls decided they would put their greatest ‘ass’-ets out in public for the greater good of their party.

Having chosen to be patriotic and volunteer my services as towel boy and official mud-putter-onner, I was able to get close to the candidates (real close) while helping them during their fund raiser. (I might note here that it wasn’t just funds that were getting raised during the performance.)

Although I am normally considered to be on the other side of the fence politically, I decided to sacrifice my time and help out with this truly patriotic event. I want to make clear to those interested that I only did it out of a sense of duty to my country and not out of any niggling self interest or shameful lusty cravings.

Before the contestants went out into the arena, they stripped down for me so that I could coat them with some mud [in keeping with their fundamental Christian beliefs that they never appear totally nude in public]. Owing to the ladies’ devotion to having not had premarital sex, that means that only I and their husbands have ever seen the ladies totally nude before. I considered this to be a boner…, er, an honor and a privilege. It invoked a deep responsibility for it meant that they probably still had parts of their bodies that were ‘virginal’- ie.- never touched by a man before.

I considered it part of my duty to rub over their bodies thoroughly, going over places that might be sensitive to the challengers’ grapplings and grip and therefore weaknesses that needed to be massaged out. Just to be safe, I also went thoroughly over parts that I’m sure their husbands had surely already manipulated as well just to make sure I had everything covered (or uncovered, depending on how you looked at it).

Getting ready for the event, I made sure that I wore severely starched underwear. I came early to prepare for the event by oiling my hands, checking that they were warm enough not to make the dear ladies squeal, keeping the mud to the right consistency (thick enough to stay on, thin enough to enhance curvatures), giving them very deep, meaningful hugs (very meaningful for me anyway) to ease their nervousness even though it meant getting mud on me (sometimes in embarrassing places as parts of me where sticking out farther than others), and putting them at ease as much as possible, even if this meant relaxing them in any way that I could.

I found the ladies to be highly receptive to deep-tissue massage, a technique that I have developed and am the only one in the world to know how to apply it properly both for their benefit, and, I must admit, my benefit too. (“OK, Sarah honey, it is important that those chest muscles are relaxed to allow you to get tight holds on Michele. Let me reach around and massage them from the rear. That’s right, Ms. Palin, just relax into it. Yeah…..oh, yeah, ..yeah!!!!!”)

Before going out into the arena I made sure for the sake of the ladies’ virtue that their bodies were entirely covered by the mud. (“Just a moment Michele dear, I missed a spot! Just open your legs a bit. Let me rub it on to make sure it is sticking. It will just take a minute more…. hold still….OK, I got it.”)

The contest was an amazing spectacle of raw talent, raw nerves, raw emotions and really wonderful raw naked flesh. The girls turned out to be quite animated and threw each other around in ways that would have made Xena the Princess Warrior proud. It is truly amazing the amount of savagery the female body can give out and can take. It is also amazing the extent to which men’s eyeballs can project out of their heads.

The ladies bent each other around in positions that no man’s mind could possible imagine and some men present would never forget. It was also amazing that the huge amount of starch I had used in my underwear had done little good. Unfortunately, the ladies were working up such a sweat that I often had to enter the arena to dab a little more on them. (“Just a minute, Miss Sarah honey! Let me spread a little bit on your hips. I’ll do it from the front and reach around to make sure its thorough. It will just take me a minute… let me rub it to make sure it stays on. Oh man, …oh man,…. oh man! OK, finished!”)

Strangely enough, most of the spectators were men in their late 30’s and 40’s, mostly the macho, lonely types who never wear glasses although many tonight were. Some, strangely, were even wearing binoculars. The few women in the audience all seemed to have butch haircuts and also had their eyes bugging out of their heads. Between the heavy panting of the warring girls and the labored breathing of the men and she-men there was a lot of humidity that unfortunately fogged up a lot of the glasses.

In the end, the Mama Grizzley proved to be too much for the Minnesota Mauler. Ms. Palin got Ms. Bachmann in a leg lock that immobilized her and set the stage for many men’s wet dreams for the month to come (no pun intended.) Unfortunately their naked wetness caused a suction grip on each other that took officials a half hour to get loose, (although a lot of that was spent taking pictures of the scene. I don’t know if it was just me or what but it seemed that the ladies sure were taking their time.)

After Sarah’s win, my duty was to help each lady clean off the mud. Knowing they were tired and sore and not able to pay total attention, I made it my duty to service them to the best of my ability. Slowly (very slowly….) toweling them off, giving special attention to any folds in their supple, sensual skin that would trap mud. I then stroked their long limbs by hand to warm them up. Soon they were purring like kittens at my gentle touch. (“Ooh, that feels so good! Go over that spot again! Please!!” they cooed quite often.) I was extremely thorough in my cleansing. (“My, Ms. Bachmann, this mud just doesn’t seem to come out! Let me rub a little harder… maybe I just need to go a little deeper, there is a tender fold here… I’ll be gentle….oh baby.., baby…, baby!”)

After a very exhausting but satisfying day I returned home for a much needed rest, but found for specific reasons I couldn’t sleep face down the entire night.

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- who has written 433 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at http://inyear252509.wordpress.com/

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17 Responses to “Palin and Bachman Go Mano-A-Mano in Nude Mud Wrestling Fundraiser”

  1. P. Beckert says:

    Gotta hand it to you RFreed. Parts of this made me laugh out loud. Funny piece of writing.

  2. kilroy says:

    Rfreed you cad. That was hilariously inappropriate!

  3. With the direction the Circus we call American Politics is headed, mud wrestling is DEFINITELY a viable option! Palin may be dumb as a box of rocks but hey, she’s H-O-T and that’s all that matters, right? Help Sarah help herself and keep reading and looking. She’s making millions off selling her image, because it sure isn’t her wit that’s getting her this far. You can see just how scandalous she can get at http://dregstudiosart.blogspot.com/2011/06/ecstasy-of-sarah-palin_15.html

  4. Brian K. White says:

    Hot? Really? I mean, I’m under 40 and all, but at best she’s menopause-hot, and that really comes more in flashes.

  5. rfreed says:

    Hey folks, this isn’t satire.
    This was on the scene journalism.
    And to answer those thousands of emails that have come in, yes, Sarah is firm.

  6. Kilroy says:

    I have to agree with Brian. I’m…er…over 40 (let’s leave it at that, OK?) and I don’t think she’s hot at all. GOP + Hot divided by Female = “Not Hideous”. My 80 year old father-in-law thinks she’s hot but…well he’s 80!

  7. rfreed says:

    As for me, like I said, I couldn’t sleep face down the whole night.

  8. Kilroy says:

    Are you sure that’s not because of your conceal holster?

  9. rfreed says:

    I didn’t think of that.
    Good point!

    If anyone is interested I’ll submit a piece I wrote before Palin became world famous entitled “Our Governor Is Better Looking Than Your Governor”. I had it published in California when Schwarzenegger was still Governor.

  10. BobZaguy says:

    Some very dirty pornographic writing.

  11. I am wont to look with grace upon anything RFreed writes. He’s a lot like Hunter S. Thompson, except with very little talent of course.

    However, I have a fledgling theory as to the source of joyous Palin/Bachmann bashing, when it should be obvious to all the big money is already trying to broker a Romney/Perry ticket.

    Will have to scribble on that one immediately…

    Good job RFreed! You no talent bum!

  12. rfreed says:

    I can’t please everyone.

    Except Sarah and Michelle (to a non-pornographic extent,)

  13. rfreed says:

    Just for the record, this was not intended as being pornographic, just humorously suggestive. I think things could be easily read into it that aren’t actually there.

  14. kilroy says:

    Can’t be pornographic. No boom-cha-ka-waa-waa sound track.

  15. Brian K. White says:

    Oops, sorry Kilroy. The soundtrack is supposed to play automatically. Sure your speakers are turned up?

  16. kilroy says:

    Ah, there it is! Anybody order a pizza?

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