Nigella Lawson’s “Sexpress” Reveals Far Too MILFy-Much

Celebrity television chef and Hottentot-arsed slapper Nigella Porkson has this week revealed for the Daily Shitraker some of her best kept secrets.

(Read the latest Nigella Lawson here.)

Who would have suspected that Nigella prefers take-away Chew and Spew fast food junk to the crap she cooks up for goggle-box cuisine addicts and cordon bleu celebrity gourmet posers – and really is an insatiable nympho’ who does disgusting things with cucumbers, eggplants and courgettes before serving them up as table fare.

Known by the sobriquet “The Queen of Food Porn”, Nigella is neither a trained chef nor cook, and has assumed a distinctly relaxed approach to her cooking – such as sitting legs akimo on the kitchen table and masturbating herself with a twelve inch salami while waiting for the roast to finish cooking.

Conversely one blatantly green-with-envy sour grapes critic and greasy spoon chef Gary McScrunt had occasion to opine to reporters from the gutter press in the Pikey’s Arms pub that if Nigella didn’t have “great tits and blow job lips then no bugger would bother watching the talentless twat make a bollocks of grilling a rack of fish fingers.”

This comment was obviously a reference to her latest program which featured her preparing multiple “easy-to-make” meals and got carried away with her own verbosity and did a King Alfred on the piscine digits – cremating the lot to a crisp black charred mess.

The domestic goddess recently appeared live for an interview on Scandal News where she discussed her latest book ‘Nigella Sexpress: 130 Recipes to make a Pig Puke’ (Ripoff Publications – £18:99) and came clean about her repulsive habit of eating finger foods like spaghetti, fish and chips, and Cumberland sausages in bed – while having rampant sex with Pikey immigrants or Polish plumbers.

Nigella further revealed her naughtiest kitchen secret yet: how she ended up with old botox-features – Slimy Simon Cowell – as an uninvited guest at one of her dinner parties – and pissed in his Dog’s Bollocks consommé then laced the clot’s Vermicelli al Varda course with a few of her wiry short and curlies – rounded off with a good dusting of pubic dandruff on his cormorant and rhubarb strudel.