Author: Benjamin Cain
Backward-Walking Politician has Limited Use of Political Platitudes
Due to a rare neurological disorder, Rupert Farfenoogle can walk only backwards. He can’t face backwards, so he uses a system of rearview mirrors strapped around his upper arms to see where he’s walking. From a young age, Mr. Farfenoogle…
Torontonians Say Mayor Rob Ford’s Scandals Make their City Too Interesting
Dateline: TORONTO—Toronto’s citizens are mortified by the world’s mockery of their Mayor Rob Ford for his many scandals, such as his admitting to having smoked crack cocaine while in office, because they fear Toronto will lose its status as the…
Tribal Antics of Canadian Question Period Melt Face off of Skull, Study Shows
Dateline: OTTAWA—A study headed by Dr. Lawrence Dipplerdoo, medical researcher at McGill University, indicates that excessive exposure to Question Period at the Canadian House of Commons can be fatal. In an interview, Dr. Dipplerdoo said that if you watch all…
Tea Party Advocates Destruction of All of America (Except its Golf Courses)
Dateline: WASHINGTON—Senator and reputed Tea Party leader Ted Cruz introduced a resolution to the Senate yesterday, calling for the immolation of all of the United States apart from its golf courses. Speaking in favour of the motion on the congressional…
Pope Francis’s Superficial Christlikeness is Miraculous, Observers Say
Dateline: VATICAN—Experts agree that Pope Francis has made a concerted effort to change people’s impression of the Catholic Church, by adopting a less ostentatious style of public relations, leading non-Christians and Christians alike to be astonished that a Christian in…
Toy Mandibles Empower Weak-Jawed Masses
Dateline: LOS ANGELES—There’s a hot new product that’s flying off the shelves. It’s called Gravitas Jaws and it consists of a crude plastic mandible bone that’s worn over your lower jaw like a beard, except that this piece of plastic…
Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep & Sex as Irrational!
Dateline: SPRINGFIELD, MI—Speaking jointly at a press conference after coming to a unanimous decision at this year’s Skepticon, held at Missouri State University, representatives of the New Atheist movement condemned sleep and sex for being irrational. “Religious faith is clearly…
Talking Points Should be Delivered to Empty Rooms, Politicians and Journalists Agree
Dateline: WASHINGTON—At an unprecedented conference yesterday on relations between journalism and democratic government, Washington correspondents together with congressional leaders and the President reached an understanding about their public communications: from now on, the politician will deliver his or her talking…