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Girlfriend Has Complex AND Simplex
Since last month when Greg Pitt started dating "Foxy" Roxanne Norton, his friends have known she has a complex. "She's always bearing designer clothes, talking about her weight, money, and accusing (Greg) of being on drugs when he disagrees with her," reports Mary Jane, Greg's friend, who says she's never wanted to date him.
Not only does she talk about her imaginary abortion and her own history with coke, meth, acid and unheard of drugs. She has also been talking about marriage since the first date and is reported to be circumventing birth control in order to "trap a daddy".
Tuesday, however, it was further discovered that she also has a simplex. After a stressful day as a receptionist at Allied Mechanical Tech (AMT), her lip sprouted a blister which erupted into a brilliant red sore by morning.
"She came in to work (on Tuesday) and she was covering her mouth," reported her AMT Supervisor, Brad. Even when she was talking. Then I saw it and made a mental note to never share chapstick."
"She came over Thursday and had five open sores on her face I just about puked," says Greg. "And then she got all psycho because I asked about it and she started crying. I just could stop staring at that mess."
Dr. Ed North at the Springfield methadone Clinic is not only an expert on sexually transmitted diseases, but also a carrier of no less than five personally. "There's no way that was (herpes simplex) type A, (a normal cold sore.) A raging fester-face like that is all (dirty, cheap, anonymous, unprotected, wild, crazy, meaningless, gratifying) sex (that is illegal in 14 states," explains North.
"I won't kid you, the sex was crazy boo-ya good, but I guess it was that lengthy sex-apprenticeship she did," tells Greg. "But practice makes perfect so if I just keep practicing safe sex, some day I'll be really good, right?
Mary Jane insists she cares about Greg, but could never trust he isn't infected. "I couldn't have a sexual encounter with something like that going on," tells Mary Jane. "The health risks would just be intensified too much." Editorial not, Mary Jane is neither foxy nor sexy, though she is definitely 3-beer doable.
Unprecedented Film Review!
Every Sci-Fi Film EVER!
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In order for Glossy News to get you the freshest headlines we print first and ask questions later, or typically not at all. We take full responsibility for retractions and prominently display the truth right up front. See My Bad, ZZ196
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