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Alien Adductions Reach Epidemic Proportions
NASA is growing irritated at incomplete missions fouled by meddling do-gooder aliens returning humans to earth prematurely in the name of stellar safety.
Alien abductions have been fabled for centuries with festive highlights ranging from anal probing to impregnation, with very little in between. Alien adductions, conversely, have been documented with increasing frequency. This is the incident of extra-terrestrials snapping up humans, and bringing them back to earth, rather than taking them away.
"Currently there are two unmanned shuttles orbiting the earth," explains James Freeman of Mission Control Houston. "In addition to the International Space Station, which has been vacant since March. We're running out of resource to keep [the shuttles and station] in orbit much longer, and controlling them all from the ground is a real challenge." According to NASA press releases, it seems every rescue or recovery mission since August has been adducted within 48 hours of launch.
"We're only trying to help," say representative spokesaliens. "When we see humans and we approach them. When they see us they kick and scream and yell. What would you do? We rescue them, bring them back to earth where they can be safe. Humans aren't very good at being in space."
"Yeah I freaked out," said one astronaut on the condition of anonymity. "Alien comes up all snarling and legs flailing while I'm trying to replace a wire harness on the space station? Come on, my nerves are already frazzled to begin with, but when that happened, I just lost it."
NASA officials further added, "We already know the risks [involved in space travel] God damn it, we just need to do our work! Now quit screwing with us and leave us alone. If we have to sign a waiver or something, then we'll do it, but seriously, you have to knock it off."
Anderson Audit of Iraq Elections Complete
In recent weeks there has been growing speculation over the validity of the election tally's in Iraq. The audit of the polls has been tallied, recounted and finally, audited by the most recognized accounting firm in the world.
A snappy dressed executive from Arthur Anderson (who would not give his name) told waiting reporters, "After receiving compensation for the audit of the Iraq presidential election, we are just about giddy to announce that the results are completely accurate and we have secured funding for our new executive retreat on the Jersey shore, to be held in the name of a largely fictitious corporation."
A second audit was offered to be performed by one of several other noteworthy firms, but unfortunately, much of the critical data had already been shredded, in accordance with Iraq data retention policies.
Though many still question the possibility of a 100% voter turn-out, officials insure us that, "Everyone was very excited to drive or walk many miles to stand in line waiting to vote for the one surviving candidate, I mean, the one candidate who chose to run. The supreme candidate."
Several men on the street shortly after the elections had bragged of "being too busy to go vote." Independent sources tried to reach one such man for comment, but found that he had commited suicide by shooting himself 16 times at a distance of 15 yards with an assault rifle, according to hospital records. Others who could be located insisted they were kidding, misheard, misidentified, or in the words of one man, "Please don't kill me."
Sharon Reveals New Palestinian Solution
Rescue 911 Bloopers Video a Blockbuster
Falwell Hates Detailed Dating Questionaire
Since his god-forsaken divorce, Rev. Jerry Falwell has experienced frustrations with meeting women, for Christ's sake. See, I want you to scream "God" and mean it, G14
Hey kids, it's time for another zany word scramble with Dyslexic Dan! See Komix 4 Kids, E7
Ford Introduces Ultra-Efficient Car it Will Never Produce
Ultra-light, ultra-efficient, and ultra-safe. Thank God they will never put it in to production. See, Shiny, Pretty, Impossible
Citing a dangerous hormonal state, the town of Barrien Springs has declared an emergency town meeting to raise awareness. See, Don't call me a bitch, G2.
In order for Glossy News to get you the freshest headlines we print first and ask questions later, or typically not at all. We take full responsibility for retractions and prominently display the truth right up front. See My Bad, ZZ196
Letters to the Editor
Feedback from the headlines to the front lines. See Okay, Cool, Whatever, E8
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