Pentagon sources announced today that they are working on a device "capable of finally monitoring Saddam Hussein 24 hours a day." The new device, which is being funded by the Defense Departments new Office of Strategic Stool Analysis is being readied for use in the event that UN inspectors "do not do justice to US plans to invade Iraq."

The new weapon is known as the "asscam" and is said to be"infallible" by military sources. The asscam, according to one military insider, is simply: "inserted in the rectum of the offending party," and can monitor both "bowel and social" activity with a precision that has CIA analysts marveling.

CIA surgeons are said to have developed the device for a secret Defense Department program that will enable: "the citizens of the free world" to have a 24 hour a day look up the rectal canal of any potential terrorist now operating.

"We don't just look up the backsides of potential terrorists," said Normal Fillber, CIA chief of stool in the Middle East:" the device makes it possible to analyze the rectal effusions of anyone thinking ill thoughts, or planning terrorist activity."

Long thought to have been impossible, given current medical technology, the asscam is also to be marketed as a marital aid, after having been test run as a martial aid, according to sources within the Pentagon. "We've been looking for this thing for years," said Fillber, who then refused to reveal the exact location of the device, but did note that the asscam has been used experimentally at a secret "proving area" somewhere in the bowels of Georgetown.